A Spark of Manic Creativity and my Inner Teenager
Welcome back?
I really try to be consistent; I try to set up a routine and create a log of quality insight/art. I was so good for years. I wrote in about 7 journals. I started this newsletter. I created a podcast. I even made reels.
And then I left New York and I fell off.
At least it felt like I fell off.
I have this gnawing fear that if I pause something, I’ll never come back to it. But here we are, a 3 month (or so) sabbatical that was a necessary break during my transition into this new phase of life.
During that break, I experienced new connections, a new job, new home, new love. I had revelations that could not be expressed through words or paint; revelations that could only be lived.
It seems so easy to say, but so hard to accept; that I don’t need to continue my quest deeper into my soul. Sometimes, there is nothing deeper. So with that, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that living through your insight is still growth. You don’t need to always be writing in your journals, or “figuring” out a deeper understanding of your psyche. To live is the greatest expansion of all.
As someone who thrives off of deep contemplation and inner work, this phase pushed my edges to just live. I would sit down to write and would have no words. I had nothing to paint or say or do. I just wanted to exist.
Which, truthfully, is pretty huge for me because my safe space IS working on my self constantly. Looking back though, this break was inevitable. It was something I had been asking for.
I wanted to put down my tools and focus less on shadow work and healing and all this shit and wanted to find what my magnetism feels like. Healing had become addictive to me to the point that I was always analyzing and looking for the red thread. I was always trying to uncover something else to heal. It was safer for me to look back and analyze my actions than to start living and taking those new steps. You can’t stay in the cocoon forever.
Your Inner Child
After all the healing, what does living look like to you?
I feel like a lot of people get told to focus on their inner child. Allow yourself to do what your inner child would want to do, or dress as they would, or eat what they desire. Because for many of us, when we are healing we are trying to unlock the repressed versions of self.
I was always called shy when I was a kid, though I didn’t feel that way. So my inner child wanted to be out, meeting people, doing things. I would go to the beach 3-4 times a week, go dancing, get drinks. I wanted the exact opposite of what I had been doing the past couple of years being cooped up inside “working” on myself.
I allowed myself to put down all the meditation and journaling and creating and just focused on connecting. Connecting with my body, with others, with nature. I felt so nourished, but also a bit guilty that I wasn’t continuing the work.
And as I was moving into my inner child-loving phase, a new identity also crept in that I don’t know if many people talk about: my inner teenager.
Let me tell you, my inner teenager is a fucking cringe-fest.
Teen Rage
I’m going to admit something I’m not really jazzed about: I think I’m pretty young when it comes to relationships.
A lot of my healing has been centered around not trusting my emotions, feelings, or attraction. I’ve been working through my sexuality (a future newsletter) and understanding what I actually desire for myself. As I’ve been healing and focusing on my inner child, I’ve noticed that my inner teenager never really grew through relationships. Sometimes, I still feel like my teenage self when I think about love.
And the only way out is through.
So as I’ve been opening up to my own desires, that inner teen has shown up full force. A lot of rage, a lot of jealousy, and a whole lot of tantrums.
When we expand ourselves, we expand our capacity for emotions, and I was suppressing a lot of those cringey expressions of my teenage years.
Everything I felt guilty for: taking a break from creating and dating, opening up my emotions, feeling needy, I started allowing in those tantrums that I never allowed myself when I was younger.
If jealousy comes up, it’s just showing you what you want. It’s helping you identify your true desires. The inner teenager carries such a different energy to me because there is so much shame around it. That is when we really learn that we cannot be loved fully as ourselves.
So…what is your inner teenager saying?
You can love your inner child all you want, but can you look at those embarrassing photos of yourself going through your emo phase and really, truly, love yourself?
What does that version of you want? Where is their voice?
For me, it was creating, but for a different reason. I had so much shame around what I wanted to create; I felt like I had to make my art look a certain way or write about certain things because if I made what I wanted to make, it would be too out there.
And creating exactly what I wanted, with no outcome, was exactly what my inner teen needed.
Now here we are. I’m in a manic phase of creativity, where I can’t stop. I’m watching Vampire Diaries because I never let myself fall for someone as cringey as Damon. And I’m exploring my fashion sense without fear that I’ll look “too gay.”
This is your invitation to open up that side of yourself; the cringe-side. What is your inner teen like? What are they asking for? Have you sat with them? Have you let yourself throw the tantrum?
My inner teen also loves a good angsty love letter, so I’ll leave you with this.
My greatest fear is to die without understand the great capacity of love. To die without feeling the warmth, the sense of what could be, becoming. To feel love growing against your fingertips what all deserve, yet the greatest tragedy for those you yearn, yet never feel it. It's growing, always. It grows in a way that unless you truly look, you'll never see. It grows alongside you in this moment. To taste the sweet pollen Hear the slow rustle of roots growing love will never force your attention. That is my greatest fear. Dying without letting myself see what's already there.
-See you soon-