Balancing Acts

July musings

I asked to heal
Not to fix what I
thought broken
But to Choose
to Love
anyway.

To choose
to witness
who I was
who I am
and who
I may be.

If nothing else,
I have learned,
there is always a choice.

We are not given to show us
We are safe
We are loved
We are enough

We attract when we are ready
to choose for ourselves.

The main lesson I received, over and over and over again this past month: You cannot heal in a vacuum.

We heal in relation.

With ourselves first, yes. That is where we disappear and find our authenticity and compassion and all those good feelings.

But, also with our loved ones. And then everyone we come into contact with. And with the Earth. And with anything we may reach out and hold.

I tried to heal in a vacuum.

I tried to hide away and heal myself, avoiding relationship, avoiding that “toxic” side of myself that drank too much and swore more than her grandfather.

And I’ve loved who I have become.

But sooner or later, that girl I was so ashamed of would make herself known. I would have to open myself to relationships and be rocked by disappointment, heartbreak, grief.

When we close the doors to heal, we are met with a tidal wave as we try to open them again.

All that shame and grief is still there, ready to wash away our healing the moment we enter back into relationship.

Needless to say I’ve been blasting Alabama Shakes all month.

It’s just an incredible detox to scream this in your car driving down PCH and watching the shore. Yes Brittany Howard, please take away all of my insecurities. She pulls it deep from the pit of my soul and ugh. If everyone sang like this for just 5 minutes in the morning I think the world would be alright.

Another lesson I’ve learned in July is:

what you see is what you get, but what you think is what you see.

I like to believe our brain is a computer and it’s job is to prove us right; it’s always looking to complete the circuit. And to complete the circuit it always looks for the most efficient path; that path usually isn’t always the path of most joy.

Normally, that path is a pattern we are familiar with. I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten into running, but when I get into a ritual of running, it becomes harder and harder for me to change my route. It’s what my body is used to and where is likes going. I have to make the conscious effort to change my path; and it usually isn’t the most comfortable.

I unlocked this newsletter that talks more about this:

But, I’ve been thinking a lot about that blindspot our brain offers up. It narrows the focus to “complete the circuit.” The lucky person syndrome for example; are people actually lucky or is it their strong belief that they are lucky that makes them so?

Chicken or the egg, but for happiness.