Being Chosen is Better Than Being Loved
I always wanted to be something. I thought that if I held the information or the skill or the secret, that I could prove I was worth…
I always wanted to be something. I thought that if I held the information or the skill or the secret, that I could prove I was worth noticing. I would riddle off facts that I learned that day in hopes of being cast as smart, yet never fulfilling my goal. I taught myself an array of crafts in hopes of being seen as someone that can achieve anything, another failed facade.
Do you ever ask yourself, why am I doing this? What am I trying to gain?
In my incessant desire for external validation of my worthiness, I thought I fell in love, or at least in acceptance.
I did not notice him; I was just being kind to everyone. I was actually noticing someone else entirely. But, one day my friend pulled me aside to mention she thought he had a crush on me. What? I thought. Sure.
She said she didn’t think I was interested, but just wanted me to know.
Why is it that we don’t become hooked until someone tells us what our own feelings are?
I became a puddle of myself. All I did was think of him. I molded him into the Prince Charming he would never be. I begged and pleaded with the universe and anyone who’d listen. He was a challenge, and I finally grabbed him. I know what you’re thinking, why put in that much effort? And you’re right. He wasn’t giving me the attention I deserved, he was talking to other girls and he treated me like I was a sex doll kept in a closet. And there were other guys. I could have dropped him and walked out the door and into the arms of another guy that was flirting with me. But, I don’t give up on my goals.
I gave him an ultimatum and we lived happily ever after…Until he cheated on me nearly two years later and is now engaged to that woman. The victor goes the spoils.
I only bring up this relationship to prove my point; I wanted to be worth noticing. He isn’t even the first. I tend to not have feelings for anyone until said feelings are pointed out to me and then, Game On. My brain goes, “oh you like me? Let me continue to prove to you why I’m worth choosing.” It is more about being the first choice rather than having genuine feelings. And yes, sure I definitely think I feel something for them, but is it ever anything that can last? Fuck no. It’s just me pining for the chance to have someone holding their spotlight on me. Instead of thinking I’m enough as I am, I think “hey maybe if they are interested and I can get them wrapped around my finger, I’ll finally be worth it.”
But, we all know how that ends: passed out drunk in the doorway of your apartment with your roommate feeling up your bra, acting like he is saving you from yourself and then sitting in your shower for three hours the next day questioning everything you’ve ever done up until this moment.
Most choose to fall in acceptance; being chosen is shown to us to be better than love.
As women, we are taught to be on the prowl; to prepare ourselves for the possibility of someone walking into a room, the world stops, and then the person points at us, saying “Her. I choose her.”
I never knew how apt I was for covert operations until I started thinking about sex. I observe if I have caught anyone's attention or could have a chance to do so. If I do notice someone, I begin shrinking myself more into a flower for them to come enjoy, but to them, flowers on display are meant to enjoy but not tend to. Only flowers that are grown by their own hand are worth nurturing. Is that a virgin joke?
I catch my self seeking validation over love when I become much more docile around people I would like to fall in love with. I usually am a blunt and straight forward person that loves having opinions and knowledge to throw at people like a monkey throws shit into the wind. But, when I find someone I have the slightest crush on I turn into a proper housewife, ready to make all their domestic dreams come true. Not that there is anything wrong with being a housewife, I just know from years of living on my own, that it is not for me. Nevertheless, I fall into this role of motherly figure and then that is when I get slapped with the “you’re perfect to marry, but I don’t want to date you right now.” Bitch, do you not realize this is all an act? I don’t know why I turn into this, it’s like my own version of a motherly Jekyll and Hyde. Some switch goes off in my societally programmed vagina brain and I turn into the robot from the Jensons.
Women are taught to draw their partner in and show why they should be chosen over the others. As if the man is a contestant and we are each different doors to prizes of futures. I’ve heard many lines of “you’re perfect, just not right now” and “you are intimidating” and “I just can’t compete with you.” It tends to be turned onto the woman and told it is her fault instead of a man taking ownership for his lack of growth.
I grew up thinking I was never enough. What if I just shave this part and fix that trait? I worry about whether or not I look like I have a stomach in an outfit. I worry about the appeal of my hair, the amount of makeup I wear, if my body is fit enough but not too fit, the way I eat, how polite I am, how friendly I am, if I am being too overtly sexual or not flirty enough, if someone might find me beautiful, if I am capable of having an intelligent conversation, but not too intelligent to scare them off, if I should be open about my sexuality or if I need to hide it for fear of being shamed. This is done all the while to make sure I don’t have food in my tooth and hold in a fart until the bitter end. If I focus on fixing everything, then I would prove I deserve to be someone’s number one.
Are there any actual number ones though? Why do we want to be in a relationship where we are chosen above all others; why is it an either-or scenario? Shouldn’t it be yes, and? Instead of what can you provide me, let’s start a relationship with how can I support you and make you feel love and light around you while you grow?
We are a society that focuses on the negative, and I do not mean negative as in bad, but negative as in subtraction or looking downward. If you are in this relationship, you must take away these things. And if you are looking for a relationship, you must change these factors about yourself to attract a mate. Most of the time I have been concerned with meeting some hidden standard that I am never quite capable of reaching, because of fear that I won’t appeal to the masses, instead of knowing and appreciating myself so that I only appeal to the few, because then I know that I am loved for my authenticity and not for my desire to constantly please.