Don't Be Like Me

Or maybe do I don't know

It seems like lately every couple of weeks I have a breakdown and have to lock myself in a room and ugly cry while watching something like Ted Lasso or Bob’s Burgers.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m so grateful for these past two months; being able to travel and experience all these new places and people. It’s been a true adventure.

But, my theme this year is honesty so in good faith I must share that truth.

When I was so focused on healing and developing a better relationship with myself, I began to shut out the world. I didn’t date for 3 years. I didn’t go to parties. I didn’t really experience the “life” I was moving towards because I had put myself into my little safe space and wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon.

Healing is easy when it’s just you alone with yourself.

So when I finally emerged from my cocoon so to speak, I thought I was a healed woman and that everything was waiting for me. Which it was, but not without testing my nervous system.

Since I had avoided stimulus for the sake of healing, when I was finally doing the damn thing, I was constantly triggered, tested, and in a state of fight or flight.

I would just start crying and feel all of the emotions I had been avoiding.

It felt like I had done all of this healing and was moving to a new phase of myself, but I hadn’t released everything I had healed from so my emotions were running on all cylinders to catch up to my healed self.

Thus the breakdowns and Ted Lasso making me cry more than I ever thought I could.

What to do instead

You very well might need to hide yourself in a safety hole and heal everything before you’re ready to re-enter society and that’s totally okay. But, for a lot of us, the healing shouldn’t pause the living.

Just like everything you desire shouldn’t be held at an arm’s length until you feel like you’re completely ready.

You deserve what you desire regardless of how healed or ready you think you are.