Fear Loops and Chaos
Have you ever been in a fear loop?
Not the primal fear of “oh this might kill me, I should run away,” but the egoic fears. The fear that paralyzes you as you start thinking about something you truly desire. You fantasize about it, write out the steps to receiving it, go to take inspired action. You can feel it creeping up your back. You try to push it down; try to trust yourself and know that you are meant to do this. But, eventually, it just worms its way past your barrier and into your ear. And it whispers,
“Who do you think you are?”
“You can’t do that.”
“You’ll fail.”
“You’ll lose everything.”
Do you push through and choose to take action anyway or do you sit into those fears, look at them, and decide you are not meant to take that action? That you were just getting ahead of yourself?
In my experience, neither is truly addressing the issue.
When I just push through anyway without understanding that fear, I end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy. I attract the outcome that I fear and end up feeling like I should have known that would happen. My ego basically says “See? I told you this would happen. I’m always right.” And that leaves me bitter and less likely to take action again in the future.
And if I take my fears too seriously, well then the fear doesn’t occur, but no outcome occurs at all. Nothing happens. I’m just stuck in my comfort patterns, even if what is comfortable is not good.
I think about fear a lot.
Most of the time I end up ignoring my fear, under the rationality that “at least if it doesn’t work it will make a great story.”
Which tends to be my reasoning behind every decision I make in life.
I’m not saying I’m right and this is how you should live. I think about fear a lot, because I don’t know if how I am living is correct. Logically, I know there is no correct way and that we all have the autonomy to live life in accordance with our own values. But, a part of me fears that chaos is just my comfortable pattern.
Let me explain.
I have a difficult time trusting my intuition. When I feel something isn’t right for me, I start to think it might just be my ego fear talking. Where is the discernment between intuition and fear? And if I’m being honest with myself, my biggest fear is that if I don’t bring discomfort into my life, I won’t be motivated to achieve.
That fear stems into my fear of, well, achieving nothing. Of sitting on the couch or in my bed for my entire life, just watching other people achieve, create, be. That I’ll become so comfortable consuming that I will never create again.
So for me, it feels like fear has the opposite effect. Fear is meant to make us pause, help us understand our desires and where our shadows lie. But, when I feel fear, I see it as an invitation to prove I’m out there achieving. As if my entire purpose in life is to be on the hero’s journey.
So, am I taking action because I’m afraid of inaction or am I just trusting myself? Is the fear ruling me or am I ruling the fear?
That is my fear loop.
It seems that fear is mostly stemming from losing something or being trapped. We don’t take the chance on a business because we fear we’ll lose all of our resources. We avoid dating because we’re afraid of being trapped in a relationship where we lose our identity. We’re afraid of being known as x or losing y.
I think of fear as a yield sign.
We don’t need to try and beat fear, instead use fear as a pause. As a way to assess our desires and develop a deeper understanding of who we are.
And every time I think about fear, I think about chaos.
Recently, a friend and I were thinking about our childhood. What we gravitated towards, how we acted. My friend was thinking about recess and she said to me, “you know, the biggest thing I remember about you was how much energy you had. You were pure chaos. You weren’t afraid of anything.”
A child being full of chaos? Shocking.
But, it made me think about that chaos. Because it isn’t the first time I’ve been attributed to chaos. There’s videos of me running around, screaming, doing cartwheels, getting covered in mud. And that was in college.
I tackled everyone as a child. I was aggressive. I liked that I was aggressive. Eventually, that energy shifted when people started calling me beast and shaming me for that aggression. At a certain age, it was no longer acceptable to be chaotic and you now how to be desired.
I had to stop wearing my, very fashionable, pink cargo pants that were always covered in grass stains and blood from rolling around on the ground. I had to start wearing uncomfortable jeans and training bras. I had to wear my hair down to show how pretty I was, instead of my usual high ponytail that I would whip people with.
At a certain age, I had to tone down.
As I got older, I started worrying more and more about if I was being “too much.” If I was toned down enough to be loved.
I couldn’t hide that chaos forever though. It almost always came out when I was drinking. Which, is probably part of the reason I was so drawn to part culture. I would go to clubs, buy as many shots as I could carry, hand them out to people as I made my way around the bar, and then go dance like a fucking psycho until I could smell the alcohol from my sweat.
I’d leave the bars and start running around barefoot in the snow, body slamming snowmen or rolling down hills.
When I drank, I could be that self again.
But I was always ashamed.
I could hear that voice while I was at the bar, hoping to drown it out. It would say to me “everyone knows you’re too much. You’re just chaos and no one will want you to stick around. Everyone is better off without you.”
It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay if I’m the chaos. We are who we are and who we are is enough.
But, that’s the fear.
I’m afraid of being told I’m too much, so I avoid dating. I’m afraid of being seen as too aggressive so I try to tell myself that my body is incapable of doing activities.
This sounds like the complete opposite of what I said at the beginning, how I just ignore fear.
But, that’s what it’s like to be in the loop. I think fear itself has a light and shadow side.
If we look at the essence of my fear, that I am chaos, then we can see both the light and shadow side of this.
For most decisions in my life, I am always going to choose action. I love taking leaps and doing no matter what. I disregard what others “fear” because I want to be someone who achieves. This is the light side.
The shadow side is that if the decision requires acceptance or something not directly related to action. I avoid dating, not because I’m afraid to take action, but because I’m afraid to be seen. It’s not a “popular” fear, so I don’t choose to address it.
I went to Australia to deal with my fear of spiders. But, I don’t want to be in a relationship because I don’t want to be told I have to tone down.
And that’s the dance with fear. It shows us an essence of what we are attached to.
When I was a kid, I caught this pike. I remember I was so excited to fish, I had dreams the night before of what I would catch. My mom heard my sleep talking in the middle of the night about the water.
When I finally got out there and cast my line. I was almost immediately ripped from my seat. I nearly fell overboard and my Uncle had to come over and grab me as I was holding onto the side.
I was so thrilled after I caught the thing that I kept jumping around on the boat trying to shake it as much as I could. That feels like chaos to me.
That energy followed me into the sports I played. I loved softball because I loved sliding around in the dirt. I became obsessed with volleyball because I would throw myself on the ground or into the bleachers. I loved being aggressive. I loved my chaotic energy and the feeling that I was in complete control over my body.
So I think looking at old pictures helps with fear.
I think remembering the moments that brought you the most joy and finding what energy you were holding in those moments helps show you how best to move forward.
If you’re afraid of making business decisions, think back to your childhood self. Were you in charge as a kid? Did you tell other kids what to do? Did you control the games you played? Was there a memory where you were told you were too bossy? Or told you couldn’t be trusted with decisions?
Memories like that help us see where fears are tethered in our energy.
I mean look at this baby.
Does this look like a baby that was just going to sit quietly and NOT take action in every possible moment?
I don’t need to be afraid that I won’t be motivated unless I attract chaos. I am the chaos.
Subtle Activation
I won’t be offering journal prompts this week, but I will be offering a thought.
Maybe what you were most afraid happening of is something that you were taught you would never be loved for.
If you’re afraid of losing someone. Maybe you were taught that you should be grateful even to be chosen. That there isn’t better options. That you need to take what you can get.
If you’re afraid of losing resources. You might have been taught that money offers you value. That without money you are not loved. That if you are not always receiving money, that you will only be losing.
Think about a word to describe your younger self. Think about how it shows up for you today. Or if it shows up at all.
I don’t have a guide for fear.
But, I do know, that regardless of an outcome, you will always be enough.
with love,
Talula
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