Handling Failure
Now that we have a bit of a better understanding on why we hold negative memories better than positive, let’s get back to that…
Now that we have a bit of a better understanding on why we hold negative memories better than positive, let’s get back to that binge-watching scenario.
For a refresher…I’m on my bed watching The Witcher after binge-watching Schitt’s Creek, with all the shit I told myself to do piled on the desk. I procrastinate and look for distractions that are only becoming more and more available with all these streaming options.
The next morning, I struggle to open my dry post binge eyes and kick myself for not even attempting to paint or create something or anything. I barely slept because I was having extremely vivid dreams about The Witcher while also still thinking about all of my woulda, shoulda, coulda’s about my day.
And then it hit me.
I am avoiding the possible negative outcomes. The fear of failure and rejection.
Now, there’s a million posts out there about how we just have to do it and just have to put one foot in front of the other and all this positive thinking that usually ends up making me more guilty than when I was just hanging out in bed all day with a pint of ice cream. I’m not here to tell you you need to just get up and do the thing you are aspiring for, but I am here to tell you that it will be okay when you find a reason to do it.
When You Don’t Know How to Start
If you’re still at the stage of not-ready-to-start-ness, let yourself feel that friction baby! Some of us are born initiators and some of us are born responders. Understanding your flow will be the first step in achieving your goals.
When we put too much pressure on ourselves to “just do it,” like society tells us to, we come out of it feeling overwhelmed. We feel guilt, anxiety and form non-committing and unsustainable behaviors.
I definitely hold an all or nothing mentality sometimes and a good friend of mine showed me the importance for some of us to hold space to feel that resistance. When we allow it to come and sit with it, journaling from that space or just understanding the need for it, we will create new forms of clarity to come through. We should not be living in a one-size-fits-all mentality anymore and acknowledge that time is not finite; we each have our own flow of energy, our own timeline and our own process for getting things done.
Time doesn’t need to move so fast and we don’t need to feel guilty when it doesn’t.
Indulge in Distraction
If you get to a point where you feel like reading an entire book in one sitting or watching 8 hours of Youtube, I say go for it.
On one condition.
Acknowledge the feelings you have while doing it and start identifying the reasons that this urge is coming through. You can’t kick a habit just by quitting cold turkey or denying yourself without any knowledge of why you have the urge in the first place. Allowing ourselves to dive into these urges with no judgements helps achieve new awareness and an understanding of what our blocks or fears are for moving forward.
Create Space
We are on our own unique timelines. Anxiety-driven success may have worked in school (I have a lot of beef with school systems..another time and another story), but it doesn’t mean it’s the only way. Whatever deadline or life path you have mapped out in your head…get rid of it. It will only serve as more fear.
What about the goal you have lights you up? If your goal is writing a book for example, what about that goal fills your inspiration? Is it mapping out story lines, writing the actual pieces, creating dialogue? Note aspects of the goal that you are interested in and clear out space to begin with that. This doesn’t have to be a linear progression.
Let’s say you really like creating the setting of the story. You could begin creating a ritual where you write a paragraph to create the setting, don’t worry about plot or anything else, just that paragraph; or sentence; or word even. Just creating the ritual helps develop a practice and eventually you will start finding your motivation and setting your own timelines.
A lot of smarter people discuss ways to create habits if you’re interested in learning more.
Our Mess is Our Message
I fail all the time. And I’m not telling you that to sound more relatable. (Is it working?)
The other weekend, I planned a photoshoot, mapped out the area I wanted, did the whole moodboard thing, went and got props, checked the weather, all the stuff. I was SO excited. I picked everyone up, we packed the car and I drove 30 minutes to get to this beautiful open field.
I left my ONLY camera battery at home, still plugged into the charger.
I ended up using my phone so maybe you’re reading this thinking to yourself, yea okay, but you had a back up so it didn’t count.
Okay, here’s another example.
I also moved to the foreign country of my dreams, and I’m talking since 5 years old dreams, and had to move back to my hometown. I had been talking about it for YEARS and the one thing I thought I wanted in life, I had to give it up. It was devastating. Partly, because they wouldn’t let me take a Kangaroo with me, but still.
I’ve embarrassed myself so many times, but each one of those experiences, as painful as they seemed, taught me valuable lessons that shaped me into the person I am today.
My hero//self-adopted Queen, Maya Angelou has one of the best quotes about this:
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
The knowledge and skills you have now are the best and are enough to move forward with. When you discover new skills or lessons, then have the humility to adjust and continue moving. Freeing yourself of the need to be perfect in the most exhilarating experience and offers you a chance to create the things you’ve always dreamed of.
Our experiences, aspects of ourselves that we have shame around, those things that we use to explain why we can’t do the thing that that person can, is exactly why you are meant to do that thing.
If all of us had the same knowledge, the same style, the same ideas, nothing would change.
Your unique combination of all of those aspects, make you relatable and powerful, not less than. We all have a very specific message for our communities that would be lost if we don’t put ourselves out there. It isn’t about affecting the masses, just start by influencing your immediate world.
If you want to be an artist, but you don’t feel you know enough about technique, for example, can be the best thing to help you move forward. Showing your journey to learning those skills, makes you more relatable where others who might never have tried art might want to after seeing you. You also could develop a completely new technique that changes the art world forever. Not knowing the outcome is usually the best part about the action.
What Now?
Now, let’s say you finally get rid of those fears you’re holding and find a way to start that ritual towards writing your book. And you finish it a year later and you’re so excited you show all your friends, you call a publisher and you know the sky is about to open up…
And you fail.
If that sounds heartbreaking, that’s because it is. I mean, that’s why most of us avoid trying new things or putting ourselves out there right? The one thing that was keeping us in our own prisons actually happens.
So, what do you do?
Let it Out
It’s okay to feel your feelings. Get it out. Throw a tantrum, maybe break something (in a safe non-guilt forming environment). Don’t suppress your emotions around the situation. When we try to control the situation, specifically our feelings in the moment, we neglect a vital part of the learning process. There is always clarity after the storm. Pushing the sadness or anger down just prolongs that foggy storm.
Write that Shit Down
I’m a big fan of journaling, especially the not so amazing things in life. Frankly if you only journal about happy things, I would like to throw your journal into a fire.
Even if you start out only writing your feelings towards the situation, I notice that at some point we naturally begin to distance ourselves from the situation emotionally and start identifying lessons that are underneath the surface of it.
Without discomfort or loss, we wouldn’t understand gain.
Learn a Lesson or Let it go
Have you ever noticed that you’re talking about something that has been bothering you and then the more you talk about it, the more frustrated you get and then by the time you are done talking about it you are so riled up that it’s like the thing is happening all over again?
Yea. Don’t do that.
Language is how we understand our reality. So naturally we go to those around us to explain the situation, learn from them and also release the emotions tied to the situation. But, there is always a limit to things.
If we go into the conversation with our emotions, we tend to only make the problem worse and leave feeling overwhelmed. But, when we discuss a failure with a level-head, we can gain more insight and learn how to better ourselves.
If you need to get out the emotion and talking is the best way for you, go for it (see above under “Let it Out”). Try to keep that kind of conversation between one or two people closest to you and then go back when you are ready to hear their rational ideas and begin to work through it on a more detached level.
And as soon as you are not getting any more lessons out of discussing it, you need to let it go. Diving back in, will just resurface those emotions and put you back in the cage of fear.
Seek Help
It can also be important to create a group of friends, family, business partners, maybe even pets, that have your best intentions at heart. They have your goals in mind and are encouraging you to continue achieving them. Holding those safe spaces where you keep boundaries from people that say things like “I told you so” or “Maybe you should give up,” helps cushion the blow to any failure you may face.
These are not end-all-be-all solutions for failure. Failure is not a comfortable and secure space to be. But, with a shift in mindset, failure is a huge tool in growth and expansion. Maybe one day we will just get rid of the word failure and change it to something like “messy message” or “hit a hurdle.” I don’t know. If you have a better idea, let me know.
The point is, failure seems daunting, but it offers some of the best lessons and growth we will ever experience that we would never get to see if we didn’t go out of the security of our boxes we made for ourselves.
TTFN.