I am Cringe but I am Free
My journey through opening up to cringe
Saturday morning I went to watch an African dance class because *music.* There were maybe 15 drummers there and honestly I became more interested in the idea of drumming than the possibility of dancing.
So as I was standing there in this trance state, imagining myself as a drummer, one of them waiting for his turn sat down next to me and started hitting on me.
I was immediately flustered. Mainly because I could barely hear what he was saying over the drums, which seemed to also drown out my ability to think.
Long story short, he asked me out and I said, “I have to do work.”
Before I could recover, it was his turn to drum. So I just left and went to sit at a coffee shop to drown my sorrow.
You may think this isn’t a big deal.
I’ll get ‘em next time.
But I have run into nothing but cringey encounters since getting to Santa Fe.
In my defense, I was told Santa Fe was not a young person’s town, so I assumed I would walk around and only run into older people.
That is very much not the case. I went to this cafe my first day and was absolutely stunned when I sat at the bar.
Every single person was unbelievably attractive. It felt like the “Thirty Flirty and Thriving” phrase personified in all the people of Santa Fe, specifically this cafe. The bartender took my order and I couldn’t help myself from letting out the girliest giggle as if all fan-girls everywhere just possessed my body. I couldn’t even look him in the eye without smiling.
I felt a little guilty because this man next to me was trying to have a good conversation and I kept having to hold in my laughter. He asked me if I was into March Madness and all I could answer was “why is March mad?”
The women all confidently wearing crop tops and skirts, the men with their unironic mustaches and sleeve tattoos. I would like to mention though that wearing a crop top while making lattes sounds like a burn waiting to happen. But they were gorgeous nonetheless.
One of the baristas came over to compliment my overalls and I couldn’t even speak.
I’ve been here 8 days and I wish I could say I’ve gotten used to it by now. But, the sexual tension between me and the entire Santa Fe seems far too powerful.
And I’m not just talking about the people. The mountains, the trees, the birds. They’re all beautiful.
I’ve never felt so cringe in my life. But also, like everyone is giving me fuck me eyes? It’s a confusing energy honestly.
I don’t even dare download a dating app out of fear of what energy I may unleash.
Why this Cringe matters
As funny as it has been to be in these encounters, I’ve taken the time to appreciate how far I’ve come with interactions.
Being in a new city without knowing anyone doesn’t necessarily get easier, but you do get extremely comfortable in your skin.
In the past, I would have never been able to hold a conversation with someone at a bar (even if it was cringe-y) or felt comfortable even answering someone’s advances.
What was a fight or flight response in the past has now become nothing more than my own awkwardness. And that’s what progress is.
I might not be a master flirt or a full on social butterfly, but I feel good showing up as myself. And that’s why cringe is good.
Even just existing alone in a city where I don’t know anyone feels different. I’ve done it before, but that doesn’t mean I did it well. In the past I would either become so self conscious I would keep to myself for the majority of my time, avoiding parties and invites. Or I would swing the opposite way and feel I have to perform to be remembered by anyone I met.
Being alone in public spaces makes you witness your own performance tendencies.
Are you performing?
Have you ever watched people waiting in line? Or at a museum? Anywhere that some people may be alone while others in a group.
Some people will stand stoicly, taking in the environment. Most will look down at their phone or pretend they are waiting for someone. And some will look like a lost lamb and stand their fidgeting. Few will try to interact with others and maybe make a new friend.
What does it say about me that I enjoy people watching in these moments? I used to be someone that would stare down at my phone, but am I the stoic one now or something else?
Being alone in a public place tells you more about your comfortability with self than I think we really want to let on.
When I would travel alone, I wouldn’t even eat dinner because I hated the idea of sitting in a restaurant alone nor did I feel comfortable ordering food. Now, I can pretty much be anywhere and feel comfortable taking up space. I’ve adopted the mindset that “I am always taken care of,” and so far it’s worked out for me.
And what I mean by performing is, when we are alone in a shared space, we tend to adopt habits that we might not hold when we are comfortable or in our own private space. We are projecting some kind of energy or alter ego whether we realize it or not.
So I wonder if the closer we get to our safety bubble authentic self, in a shared environment, the closer we may be to truly accepting and loving ourselves. Which in turn, probably means more cringe.
My point is I’ve been exploring this idea that the more cringey I show up or the more willing I am to be “embarrassing,” the closer I probably am to that capital T True self.
Take Freddie Mercury. He could have easily been cringe-central. But, instead, we honor his flair in performance and strive to be as boisterous as he was. But, can you imagine yourself getting on a stage and trying to get the audience to sing those random warm up notes back to you? Probably not.
There seems to be a blur between cringey and cool that maybe we all need to take a ride on.
The higher cringe, the more authentic.
I contradict myself though because I called another guy cringe for saying “snuggled up in bed” to me. I probably should go back and focus on accepting people for their own personal cringe. Though, I would argue that there is a difference between Cringe and authentic cringe. It seemed like he wasn’t actually being authentic, which made it uncomfortable for me. At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now.
Subtle Activation
What is your performance style in public? Do you become reserved or shy? Loud and proud?
Do you feel like you are authentic or do you feel shame when you leave a shared environment?
Is there a way you would like to show up differently?
How do you feel about being by yourself? Does it make you anxious? Lonely? Fearful? Or joyous? Calm?
What is your cringiest moment? Do you regret it? Do you wish you could change it? Or do you accept it?
Is there a way you’d LIKE to show up but feel too afraid to show up in that way?
Ponder the questions and your own cringe-ness. I think my deepest cringe was actually when I asked a grown ass man what made march mad. Completely forgetting about sports’ existence. But hey, that’s my charm.
It’s still strange to think of all the conversations I’ve had over this past week and how much space I’ve been able to hold for myself to just show up.
She’s growing :’)
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