I Love Drama
Getting uncomfortably honest at the end of 2021
I didn’t want to admit it for a long time. I avoided the idea with such fervor to prove I am a “low-maintenance” person. Easy-going. Fun. Free.
I mean that’s what we get taught is a perfect personality, right? We want to be easy-going so that someone doesn’t see us as “too much” and chooses us. Or to get along with co-workers so we always get invited to lunch. Or around family so that they never have to worry about getting in a political fight with you. And so on. All in the name of being loved.
But, I started going through my journals this past year. And I found that I am always trying to work through decisions. And not everyday decisions, but every day seemed like a major life decision; that I was a perpetual fork in the road.
This only solidified when I was talking to my friend. I was explaining some choices I had to make, and she told me that I’m always filled with options, something she saw as a wonderful thing, but I saw as an annoyance.
I didn’t want options, I wanted certainty. I wanted ease, like the “go with the flow” attitude I had so desperately held on to. I didn’t understand why things were so complicated for me; it felt like every time I was faced with a decision, I was the needle in the haystack just hoping something would find me.
Then I got really honest with myself. All these “options,” complexities in my life, these weird experiences that seem to follow me.
I fucking love drama. I love being confused. I love complications and the feeling like I’m always on the verge of making a major decision in my life.
Now, that’s not a fun thing to admit to myself. I thought I had to be easy. But, if we look the energetics of focus and how we attract more of what we focus on, then it’s pretty clear.
So this is the truth. I’m not easy-going, far from it. I have a fear that people see me as too much, but I love making life cinematic and over-the-top.
I love the idea that I’m on a hero’s journey and make myself the underdog (because underdog stories are the best let’s be honest).
I love being confused about decisions as if I was acting out quests and experiencing hopeless romantic scenarios that show me how love is always worth it. I love shocking people by being anything against all odds. I love the idea that one day someone will write a story about my life because it was a story worth telling.
If I’m being truly honest with myself, then the reason I always seem to be at a fork in the road and experiencing complicated relationships and people that I have no business being around is that I would be bored otherwise. In a way, I’m asking for this confusion and these experiences because at least my life is entertaining.
Even when I’m going through pain and stuck in deeply low emotions, I stop and tell myself, “at least this will be a good story one day.”
I’ve tried to switch my mindset by telling myself the mantra
It is that easy
but, I feel like I say it with my fingers crossed. Do I actually want it to be easy? Is it that bad if I enjoy the chaos more than the ease?
I’m telling you all of this because I’ve learned that when we experience the same pattern over and over again there is a part of us, maybe deep down, that truly wants to be in that pattern. A part of us feels safe being the victim, or being confused, or being in a constant state of chaos because that is what is comfortable. We would rather experience the same pain over again than experience something unknown.
So when I’m looking back on my past year and all of the indecision and complicated experiences and the annoyance I felt through it all, I have to get really honest with myself and realize that a part of me truly loves being confused. If I’m confused, if things are complicated, then I don’t have to bear all of the responsibility for how my decision turns out. If it’s easy, if my decisions fail, then I am the only one to blame.
And there is no right or wrong way to live life. You can be living easy peasy lemon squeezy, chilling on a rock watching the sunset every day. Or you can be living cinematic experiences, being your own master of chaos. My only advice is to truly sit with yourself and learn what your soul craves: peace or adventure.
When we zero in on what we are craving out of life, we can lose the attachment to this identity of “easy-going.” The obsession with it and the shame if you are not it.
Being called “too much” was my nightmare. I’ve been called it by friends, romantic partners, family. Every time, I’ve broken down; it just hits right in my ego. And now, admitting my love of drama, I see that it hurt me so much because I spent so long trying to hide my too-muchness that being called it even after dimming my light, felt like a betrayal to myself.
Through my yearly unraveling, I drew this illustration.
What I mean by this is, the biggest thing blocking us in life, is not all these aspects of ourselves we need to fix, or these shadows we need to work on, it just is being honest with yourself about who you are and opening yourself to speaking your truth to the world.
In the vein of not being too much, I hid my tattoos from my parents for years. Even though tattoos are something I’ve loved since I was 13, going so far as dreaming of being a tattooist, I thought I couldn’t be honest about that part of myself because it would hurt my parents.
So I would be beside myself, keeping them hidden while being upset that they wouldn’t love me if they knew who I truly was.
But, it isn't my job to fit into their box of who they think I am. When I finally showed them, there was some shock, but ultimately I realized that this is a part of myself and I would never be able to grow and become who I want if I was constantly lying to those around me.
We do that with romantic partners a lot too. We don’t talk about the things we enjoy or aren’t fully honest about who we are or our triggers so that they don’t have a reason to leave. There is a saying that you date two people when you get into a relationship; the idealized version at the beginning of the relationship, showing you what you want to see, and the true version, the self that comes out when they let their guard down. Maybe if we were honest with ourselves about who we were, we wouldn’t have so much pain in relationships today.
Each year I pick a word or a phrase to embody. In 2022, I’m choosing Honesty. I owe myself to live fully as I am.
Journal Prompts
Think about this past year. What is one pattern that has popped up repeatedly? Did you handle it the same way each time? Differently? How do you feel about that pattern?
What is that pattern showing you about yourself?
Write out a dream day for you. Do you envision ease? Adventure? What emotions does the day carry?
Write one uncomfortable truth about yourself. What do you love that people might not know? Do you feel ashamed for it? Proud?
Do you make decisions for yourself or for others? Are you afraid of someone’s disapproval?
Is there anything about yourself you’re hiding from loved ones? What would it feel like to show up fully as yourself?
What word or phrase would you like to embody for the year of 2022? How would you like to embody it?
Something I’ve learned recently is energy doesn't expand upward, it expands outward. When we are growing emotionally and spiritually, we think it means we get happier. But, energy expands in every direction. That means, we grow our worthiness to hold the higher emotions and our strength to experience the lower emotions. As we feel lose higher emotions, we also experience those lower; our capacity just shifts.
I think constantly focusing on ease has created this codependency to flow. You shouldn’t feel ashamed if your life isn't filled with ease or if you are in those lower emotions even after working on yourself for so long. For me, replacing the word ease with honesty is what has moved me forward. When I try to live in ease, I often settle or hide myself in the name of comfort. When I live my life honestly, I know that everything I experience, as bright and bold as it may be, is exactly what I need.
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