In the Name of Being Honest
I might regret this later
I wouldn’t say I’m a people pleaser. I don’t believe I cave into entitled behavior and I’ve always thought I had no issue telling someone off if I was put into a position that made me uncomfortable.
And then I did the dumbest thing ever.
See, every year I choose a word as my theme to focus on. One year it was self-love, another was being seen. Well this year, I said “You know what I need more of in my life? Honesty.”
It wasn’t that I didn’t think I was an honest person or anything. It was to readjust my concept of honesty in general, especially with myself.
I told the truth when I was asked a direct question. But, I had this habit of omitting in the name of comfort. Is that better or worse than blatantly lying?
For years I didn’t tell my parents about my tattoos unless they directly asked me. I knew that they didn’t approve of tattoos so I thought it was best to just keep them ignorant to that fact. I was hiding a part of who I was so that I didn’t have to face shattering the image of who I was in their minds. I knew it wasn’t my responsibility to hold their projections of me, but I kept justifying the omission. It wasn’t lying if the conversation just didn’t get brought up.
When I finally showed them, two things occurred. My body went into a fight or flight response and I was trembling about whatever happened next. And what they did say to me really had no effect on me whatsoever. I was allowing the idea of their reaction to change how I was showing up in the world. Where if I was just showing up authentically, it wouldn’t have been a shock that I had tattoos.
So what else was I hiding about myself to live up to some projection I assumed someone had of me?
That’s why I chose honesty as my theme this year.
It’s less about being honest with others and more about being honest with myself.
And boy has it kicked my ass this year and we’re only in January.
I’ve had to have so many uncomfortable conversations with myself and with others, my body has been buzzing in flight-mode nonstop.
While pushing my body into the throes of adrenaline fatigue and constant emotional release in the name of honesty, here are a few things I’ve learned:
if you are hiding a part of yourself from others, you are refusing to acknowledge the desires within yourself
a lot of being honest is trusting yourself on the boundaries you set
the biggest fear you have about being honest, is most likely going to happen
you will realize that that biggest fear is far worse in your head and has a much less lasting effect than you think
the anxiety you feel when having an uncomfortable talk is the first step to deconditioning the part of you that was taught you had to perform to be loved
you will see how much you were doing (or weren’t depending on the experience) to fulfill some projection you accepted in place of your own needs and desires
you will find out how little you actually knew about said desires and needs
you will start to let go of a lot of people and behaviors that weren’t for you
you will cry. a lot.
I hate it. I would rather put myself through suffering and bitterness to appeal to some projection or expectation than, to be honest about who I am and what I truly want.
But when you open yourself up to the truth, it’s truly no longer an option.
I can’t just be the therapist to my friend who constantly comes to me for dating advice anymore. Because when I get honest about what is actually happening, I’m not really a friend, just a utility for them when they feel like their life is spiraling, so I can’t keep putting in effort when I get honest about how draining the dynamic is for me, so I have to have a hard talk with them and be honest about where I’m at and how I need space because I need to hold it for myself and not for someone who only likes me because I provide something.
Hypothetically, of course.
And in the name of honesty, I even had to get honest about this newsletter. I love writing. I love making it. But, I want it to grow. And I want to be paid for my mind. And to keep writing and creating without any source of energy exchange is draining. So, in trusting my boundaries, this will be the last free weekly newsletter.
This isn’t hypothetical. This is a real honest experience.
The free newsletter will live on, but only 1-2 newsletters will go out each month.
Paid subscribers will receive the weekly newsletter, plus an exclusive podcast each month around a different theme.
So that’s that.
I am uncomfortable. Thank you for experiencing the discomfort with me.
I didn't expect honesty to be such a trigger word for me, but here we are and while I know I will be so happy with myself in the future, right now it feels like I’m in limbo with the universe and with the very idea of truth. Are we ever fully honest, especially if we haven’t really asked ourselves our own needs or desires before?
Things like this always bring me back to that irritating phrase “ignorance is bliss.”
Is it better to live your life with no meaning, but full of joy, or to live life with discontentment, but full of meaning?
And I think that’s the essence of honesty. Either live in a way that may bring out discomfort and a need to find out our desires and meanings or live in a way where comfort is prioritized over your truth.
I’ll keep you updated as I explore this uncomfortable experience that I take full responsibility for creating.
Subtle Activations for Honesty
What does honesty mean to you? Can you be honest with others, but not yourself? Can you be honest with yourself and not others?
Do you think there is a difference between being an honest person and being liked? Do you ever give up your truth in order to be seen in a favorable light? Do you avoid conflict?
What are you afraid of happening if you spoke your mind without a filter?
How are you showing up on social media? Do you feel like you are speaking on everything you’d like to? Are you afraid of showing up differently than what people have seen before?
Write one opinion or trait about yourself that you would be terrified of someone learning.
What is one desire you haven’t been showing up in?
with love,
Talula