Is it Love or Just Another Box Checked Off?
In modern America, we have transitioned the goal of the American Dream into sustained happiness. We move from milestone to milestone…
In modern America, we have transitioned the goal of the American Dream into sustained happiness. We move from milestone to milestone, reaching for some hidden endgame that tends to just get further from us the more we achieve these societally accepted life goals everyone should experience. One of those key milestones on the road to that unattainable happiness is the connection to one’s true love. If we get married and settle down, we will be one step closer to that dream.
You might say I’m just a lonely existentialist here to ruin everyone’s relationships (honestly, maybe), but I do think it’s important to break down societal programming to connect deeper with ourselves and truly see what we want, not just what we are told to want.
Whenever I begin thinking about societal norms, I always find it beneficial to look at the practical history to see how we have ended up in these situations. With love in mind, let’s look at some random history that might be of use.
*Disclaimer: most of this history is going to be heteronormative heavy, due to the history that pushed that kind of narrative. However, I do believe that these concepts and programming can be applied to any romantic and sexual relationship.*
Marriage as a tool
Marriage today has evolved dramatically from what it originally set out to do. This was a tool used to create alliances between families; a fully utilitarian purpose. Royals would use marriage to form alliances between kingdoms and farmers would use marriage to cultivate (literally) wealth.
The idea of romantic love was not utilized in marriage and was even seen as something of a sickness. I mean, is Romeo and Juliet actually a beautiful love story, or is it a testament to the toxicity of romantic love?
Plato was one of the first notable philosophers to shit on the idea of love; he believed that nonsexual, non-romantic, “brotherly love,” was the most potent and powerful love that should be celebrated. That is why we often refer to friendships as “platonic.”
Marriage for love didn’t even really see the light of day until the industrial age, when people were no longer tied to their family farms, no longer surviving as a full-time job, and began moving to cities and generating their individual wealth.
Then sprung the Enlightenment and the Age of Romanticism.
Happily Ever After
Throughout the Enlightenment, we moved away from every decision being made for survival and began to really question what it means to be an individual with human rights and the “pursuit of happiness.” So around 150 years ago, the idea of “happily ever after” was used through writings and performances. People began to think about what that meant for them and how it could be tied to marriage.
Throughout all the genocides, wars, and atrocities, people began seeking an escape. This is when the beginning of Hollywood took that idea of happily ever after and ran with it. This was when the love stories of the hero saving the day and getting the girl really took off; and people fucking loved it. It was an escape for everyone, and I think it also helped propaganda for getting recruits for wars. Who doesn’t want to be the hero, save the girl and live happily ever after?
Once ad agencies saw how successful this theme was, they started pushing it out for their own gain as well. This coincided beautifully with the American Dream adverts and led to a massive influx of diamond sales, with the idea that diamonds were tied to engagement; a tradition we still hold today.
The entertainment industry and marketing developed this sense of urgency for people to “tie someone down” and reach the next pillar of happiness. Most movies end in the chapel, with the couple riding off into their happily ever after. And most adverts showcase how women should act and what they should buy in order to attract a man to live the good life. Romance is a very modern concept, yet holds so much weight in our decisions today.
This need to reach that milestone becomes less about the love within the relationship and more about dog-paddling to feel accepted.
The Honeymoon Effect
Bruce Lipton is a developmental biologist known for writing The Honeymoon Effect. He was recently on the Expanded Podcast if you would like to learn more about what he does and his views. Something that he talks about on the podcast is the effect of love when we first encounter it.
When we are numbing ourselves and staying in a lower vibrational state, it takes something drastic for us to get out of that and grow. And for a lot of us, that thing is a relationship. When we get into relationships, we see who we can become and who we want to be. We put our best selves forward. And this is often seen as the “honeymoon phase.” That’s why after awhile we tend to see a dip in satisfaction in the relationship, a build-up of resentment, and usually when a couple decides to “settle” or break up.
This is because we then go back to our old behaviors and the other person does not understand why or who we are when we revert back. Many of us see a relationship as a solution to our lives, a milestone that will make us better, make us happier. We use a relationship as a means of filling in gaps, instead of growing within ourselves; we think about finding the missing puzzle piece instead of creating our own.
We tend to look at a potential partner as something to possess instead of a human with their own reality, their own journey. Just like we wouldn’t want someone to take our car, we refer to the person as “ours.” This is mine and no one else can have it. That is why it is so easy to fall into getting frustrated if the person doesn’t meet some expectation we have built up in our head, instead of meeting them where they are.
Nietzsche alludes to this in his work by stating that modern love is an expression of egoism and tied very closely with greed and our lust to possess. To desire a relationship is to desire to change something new into ourselves. We want it to become a part of our being. We subconsciously want them to become a part of us, not realizing that they are completely separate from us and may act as a catalyst to change, but are not a solution.
Masculine energy has been taught to suppress so end up seeking a second mother in the relationship where feminine energy has been programmed to be the one that’s attracting and tends to idolize or seek someone that completes them.
This is how we’ve created modern love today. We have everyone in our pocket 24/7; there’s no opportunity to miss each other. And this constant shopping around. We go on to dating apps and view potential matches the same way we would see fruit in a grocery store. We get to decide which one looks the most appetizing to us and turn people into commodities. So it’s no wonder we have such high divorce rates and a good portion of relationships are toxic.
Relationships should act as mirrors for us, not puzzle pieces. They are meant to enlighten and support while also being separate. If you find yourself constantly angry with your partner, chances are, what triggers you is something you are denying in yourself. Now, I’m not saying I have all the answers for love, but I think there are tools we can use to start identifying what we are truly looking for and where we already hold that which we are looking for, in ourselves.
First steps into healthy relationships
Take inventory
Firstly, I find relationships that I am jealous of. Celebrity couples that make me angry, wishing for their life, or friends I secretly despise because I want their relationship. Jealousy is your best friend when uncovering aspects that you are seeking.
I also write down my non-negotiables. I write down traits in a relationship that are not up for compromise; my perfect person and what my idea of a perfect relationship was.
Next, I journal about all of my past relationships. I take notice of how often I fought with them, how long the relationship lasted, any pet peeves that occurred during the relationship, and my communication patterns. This helps pinpoint any triggers you may be holding onto, which I mention in my shadow article.
Check your ego
After taking inventory, I go through each point and ask myself if this is something that I have learned in childhood or by media and if this is a fear or judgement. This takes time to start identifying, but once I began meditating and keeping a journal with me, I was able to uncover memories that created loops in my subconscious.
I noticed patterns in my communication and ways in which I was projecting my fears and biases onto others. Our fears are shown to us through childhood and we tend to attach those fears onto others as a way to externally validate that we are not capable without someone. Our biases or judgements tend to surface when we are shaming an aspect of ourselves, but project onto others. For example, I had a strong sense of shame with the idea of being needy, so I project that onto others while coming off as overly independent.
Things that trigger us or seem to push are boundaries, are typically things we are just hiding in ourselves.
Final Thoughts
As contradictory as everything I just wrote may seem, I’m an extremely romantic person. I love love and enjoy exploring how relationships can evolve. However, I do think it’s important to look at societal influences so we can question ourselves and uncover our authentic selves in terms of love and romance. We don’t all need the romantic comedy relationship that leads to a huge wedding and long marriage.
We can use this new age to begin exploring possibilities and breaking down those old narratives. And at the end of the day if you decide that you really do want those “traditional” things, than that is perfectly okay too! Just make sure you’re doing it because it is true to you.
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https://medium.com/an-idea/being-chosen-is-better-than-being-loved-d6e63598f5cc