Singlehood is Not a Disease
Even when it feels like it
Besides a debatable stint last year, I’ve been single for the last 6.
It’s been great and it’s been horrible.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry some nights, feeling like I’d never find “my person,” but I’d also be lying if I didn’t say how much I’ve needed to be single this long to really develop a relationship with myself.
Another thing I’ve done during those 6 years, is abstain from sex for 3 of them. There were definitely moments where I thought that maybe it wasn’t that I was saying no to sex, maybe it was that no one wanted to have sex with me. There were moments that I felt undesirable, unloveable, undateable. And in those 6 years, I’ve realized how poorly we view being single.
The amount of times I’ve been told “you’ll find the one soon,” or “you’re just being too picky,” or the ever-loving “let me make you a Tinder” has been unnerving.
And for the first few years, I really let it get to me. I was so worried that I wouldn’t find someone. But, after developing this deep sense of self-love, I really have to ask,
Is it that horrible if I don’t find someone?
Chosen vs Loved
I had this dream recently where I was telling one of my exes about my new relationship. And even in my dream, it felt completely unbelievable. The dream then flipped to me telling this ex about all the fuck-buddies I had on retainer; three to be exact. And that conversation flowed much more easily.
For the rest of the day, I kept asking myself if I just felt that unloveable that I thought it was absurd for me to be in a committed relationship or if I truly didn’t want a typical relationship and desired more sexual connections than anything.
I still haven’t figured it out.
But, it did make me reread something I wrote last year.
I explored the idea of being chosen versus being loved and how we tend to want the former. It may be disguised as love, but what we really crave is for someone to tell us that we are enough. For someone to see us for who we are and say “Her. I choose her.”
Which, is wonderful. I hope everyone experiences that.
But something funny happens when you consciously choose to be single for 6 years.
You start choosing yourself.
And then the pressure society places on you to be chosen starts to lose its weight.
While at the same time latching onto those around you.
Those around you don’t understand your lack of desire for a partner. They get those pity eyes that say “buck up kid, you’ll find love soon,” as if you’re without love now.
And there are others that try to champion you to have more sex. Because if you aren’t in a relationship you should be fucking everything apparently. They’ll try to be your wingman or want you to explore your sexuality or really just care a little too much about how frequent your orgasms are.
It almost feels like people don’t see you as complete unless you are partnered with someone romantically or sexually.
Or, and this is the most obnoxious one, people will say things that make you feel broken.
I’ve had sexual trauma in the past, which maybe I’ll talk about in the future, or maybe not. But, those that know about it and then see that I’m not totally interested in dating, will say things like “Well I wouldn’t trust men either if I were you,” or my favorite “someone will show you it’s okay to open up again.”
That’s exactly why I didn’t want to date for so long. I don’t need to have someone feel like they are “fixing” me. I want to “fix” myself.
I don’t need someone else in order to feel like I’ve healed my trauma or like I’m ready to move forward. I don’t need someone to make me know that it’s “not all men” or like I deserve love.
I already love myself enough. I choose myself every day.
What is Means to be Single
And that’s not me poo-pooing on love. I love love.
I open myself up fully and humbly to love.
But I also know that I am completely whole and capable as a single woman. And I know even if I’m single for the rest of my life, I will be a whole and capable person, and still filled with love.
Singlehood is not a disease and it does not make you any less whole.
You are your own puzzle. You do not need to take from someone else’s puzzle to complete your own. You already have the pieces.
Just like they have all of theirs.
Yes, it would be nice to work on your puzzles together. But, it isn’t a necessity. It doesn’t mean you can’t complete your puzzle or that there are pieces missing. Unless you throw the across the room hoping someone will come find them; that’s your choice.
I got this puzzle analogy from Daniel Sloss. I think it was his show X.
He talks a lot about being single and complete, so it’s a really good comedy special if you’re curious.
Being single should feel amazing. And being in a relationship should feel amazing. This kind of touches on my obsession with non-duality.
They are both experiences. They are not the opposite of each other. One is not right nor is one wrong. They are just experiments that you may experience during your time on this floating rock.
So if you are feeling kind of shitty right now being single, try to practice a little gratitude for what it is teaching you. I love the affirmation:
I trust it all.
Everything. All of it. All of the shit and the beauty. Everything that comes up for me is important and is offering a way deeper.
When I was so worried about feeling desirable, I kept trying to find something to fix. That if I shaved this part, lost weight, changed my hair, fixed my personality, then I’d finally be someone’s.
There’s this sense of ownership we are seeking to. To have someone “claim” us. But, what if we decided to claim ourselves? What would relationships look like if we no longer saw them as a way to be complete? What if they were a bonus, not the answer?
Subtle Activation
Write a list of everything you are looking for in a partner. Then write a list of everything you bring to a relationship. Do these match up? A lot of what we want in a partner is truly what we want within ourselves.
How would your life change if you had a partner? When you explore this, does this feel like you are putting a relationship on a pedestal?
What would it feel like if you gave yourself the things you want from a relationship, now?
Do you feel like you are lacking something by being single?
What does love feel like to you? Where can you experience love right now?
Imagine your missing puzzle piece. What does it look like? Feel like? What would it mean if you found it yourself?
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