Soulmates Aren’t Real
and don’t get me started on twin flames
and don’t get me started on twin flames
I sound like a broken record when it comes to relationships.
It’s not that I’m against relationships or love or connection. In fact, I would say I’m a fierce advocate for them. But, I think we all need to have a wake-up call and reevaluate what a modern relationship looks like.
For me, that was dismantling the idea of a soulmate.
Maybe it was when I was a kid, sitting at a stoplight with my mom, asking her if she believed in soulmates and her response was “No. You just pick one and hope they’re nice to you.”
Or maybe it was the work I had done in my marketing degree, uncovering the huge industry that is Romance.
Or maybe it was the countless times that I felt like I wasn’t enough or constantly trying to prove why I was worthy of being chosen. Where was my soulmate that everyone told me was out there?
And my ego would love to be chosen. I would love to have one soulmate to choose me and to tell the world to fuck off because this is my person and nothing else matters. I would love to believe all those movies and spiritual gurus talking about soulmates and love contracts and how there is someone for everyone. But, that’s not the truth.
Soulmate as a frequency
Once I started looking into energetics and understanding the power of love frequency (shout out Joe Dispenza, To Be Magnetic, Eckhart Tolle), the more I uncovered that this idea of a soulmate isn’t a specific person, but the energy behind that. Think of it as the frequency that you are tuning into.
Viewing soulmates as a frequency instead of a specific person helps release the stress of finding that person. When you know your unique soulmate frequency, you can see that any person is capable of holding that frequency.
You want to be fully seen. You want to be supported and nourished in the ways that make you feel good. You want laughter and joy and anything else that you are wishing for in a person. That frequency has the potential to be embodied by anybody. And when you let go of the ego that says there is ONE person for you, you can start showing up with love for everybody. There is no missed opportunities, missed chances. You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody or play games to be chosen.
That frequency will always always always find you. The more you lean into creating that frequency in yourself, the more aligned you will be to the people that hold a similar.
This might seem out there and woo-woo, but if you’ve ever experienced the same types of people over and over again, then you might want to experiment with the idea of energetics.
Find your patterns
I had this one situation that kept playing out. I counted 19 times that I can remember, so it’s safe to say this was a pattern in my life.
I would become very close friends with a guy. I am someone who always seeks deep friendships, and I felt like I had that with these men. And then it would blow up. They would either call me, show up at my house, my work, a party, confess that they loved me, and tell me that I was leading them on and could no longer be friends with me. And it crushed me. I would blame myself, thinking that I was using these men to fill a void, that I was a terrible person because I couldn’t see myself dating them.
But, looking back on these dynamics, I know that I was being my true self. I love deep connections. And the people I was holding that space for were not used to that and would get into a state of desperation that I wasn’t theirs. I was always honest with them about my feelings. I never hit on them or made the relationship any more than a friendship, yet I would get called a tease and told that I use people and then they would destroy the friendship. Is that my fault? Or were these people getting into the friendship with the expectation that it would develop into something one day?
This pattern made me realize that my frequency was the SAME as theirs. What they were doing to me, I was doing to people that I was interested in. I was worried that they would never like me. I would try to be friends with them just to have them in my life. I would beg and plead my way, hopefully, into their hearts. It was not something I was proud of, but the relationships I did hold directly reflected that low self-worth pattern back to me.
And what happened when I moved into a new state of self-worth? That pattern stopped. It sucked for a while. I felt like I had no friends. But, I was just releasing those that held that frequency. I wasn’t attached to it anymore so the people weren’t showing up.
At this point, you might be saying, “well what about twin flames?”
Twin Flames
Right. Twin flames. That soul that was split into two, your “mirror soul.” Your person.
If you don’t know, soulmates are said to be beautiful and not necessarily romantic, where twin flames are that passionate lover that mirrors you and it can be volatile and the complete romantic novel type relationship.
But, I think people just use twin flames as an excuse to stay in a toxic relationship.
Again, if you want to use the term, I don’t think twin flames are a person, but maybe a frequency. If that’s the case, those 19 men were all technically “twin flames.”
We are all mirrors. We are all capable of reflecting the light and the dark side of human nature. How you encounter someone is based on how you encounter yourself. So if someone is constantly testing you and making you feel frustrated, passionate, all the things, they might just be showing you a lesson that you are meant to learn.
So yes, I do believe in love. I believe the frequencies we step into are reflected in those around us that are holding space for the same. I believe the energetics of a soulmate, but don’t believe in the idea there is one person for everybody. We don’t need to own each other.
If we can show up with more love for everybody, including ourselves, maybe we won’t be so desperate to find it. Ask yourself if you’re putting love out there or if you’re just seeking it. Are you stepping into that frequency of the soulmate that you are looking for? Or are you waiting for it to show up to be the person you want?
Look at the relationships you do have right now. Who is in your life, who isn’t? Is there an energy that they all have in common and what does that energy reflect back to you? How you show up in your relationships right now and the people that keep popping up, are guideposts for where you can expand to step into more love. That is the shift in modern relationships that we all need to take. Instead of looking at someone as the answer or as yours, we can start looking at relationships, all relationships, as lessons for deeper understanding of ourselves. In doing so, we might discover how to love ourselves with or without a soulmate.
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