Stop Complaining
And other ways I shame myself
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you’re really in the thick of it, talking through something or someone. You have this out of body experience where you’re watching yourself going off about that thing that’s really been on your mind and you’re spiraling deeper into this inner rage unable to stop yourself. And when you finally snap back into your body, a deep shade of shame rushes over you and all you can say is
“Wow, I’m so sorry for complaining so much. I didn’t mean to put that on you.”
I’ve been experiencing that a lot.
This little inner rage demon pops out of my psyche and starts listing off all the things that I have been pushing down for so long. Maybe that’s what happens where you grew up with so much suppressed anger and emotions.
It feels like I’m complaining about complaining, which might be a new low for me.
But, it isn’t the complaining that gets me. It’s the intense feelings of shame after I do it.
I used to bite my tongue constantly growing up. I felt like I could never speak on how I was feeling and just had to sulk in my room, get over it, and move on with my day. But, I wasn’t truly moving on. It stuck to me like slime and I would talk my friend’s ear off about it and in turn slime them.
Once I started focusing on healing and inner work, I began to speak up more and allow myself to let that energy flow through me and out of me. But, I started to swing into a different kind of suppression.
I wasn’t suppressing myself because I was told my emotions weren’t valid like I did as a kid. I started suppressing myself because I read so many times that our words and thoughts dictate our experience. So if I complain about someone, I must be just as bad as the person I’m complaining about right?
It’s MY fault I’m in that situation with that person. That person is a mirror so if I’m mad at them, I’m really mad at myself. If I hate my job that’s MY responsibility. And on and on this loop of shame would show me all the ways I wasn’t actually growing; if I wanted to grow, I needed to keep my mouth shut.
Speak only light and joy to receive light and joy. And all that happy bullshit right?
Put it in the suggestion box
My theme for this year is honesty. As I was looking at why that theme was important for me right now; by suppressing those complaints, I wasn’t truly being honest with myself.
I had the urge to complain so much because I wasn’t letting myself tell the truth about what was really bothering me. I wasn’t going to the person or facing the situation that was causing tension. I was just arguing with myself about things and then policing those emotions through shame and guilt for having those complaints come up. I wasn’t Feeling. I was avoiding through over-logicing my way through my frustrations. And at this point you must know how I’m always trying to destablize my attachment to logic.
Is complaining all bad or was it just not productive the way I was doing it?
Because rage is awesome. Productively. Rage shows us where our ego does not want us to settle. It feels like the edge of our self worth and when rage flares up it is a sign that our self worth is being pressed upon by something that we want to set a boundary with.
And when I think about complaining, I think about all the emotions I’m avoiding. I’m frustrated not necessarily with the thing I’m complaining about, but myself for not setting those boundaries I clearly crave. Our frustrations are our compass towards integrity.
I never want to be that person that tells others they can’t complain, or get angry or be frustrated/hurt about someone. Those are just as integral to the human experience as joy and peace and satisfaction. It’s all just feedback.
But, I think we can all take a breath to sit with that urge to complain and ask ourselves what we are truly seeking in those moments. Why are stuck in frustration? Why do we feel trapped? Why do we feel we can’t speak the truth to the situation or person and move on? What is latching us to that energy?
Every time I’m in complain mode, it’s because my worth is being put into question. I’ve learned how important my independence and worth is to me.
I don't like feeling like I have to seek approval from someone or something in order to take action. I don’t want to “prove” anything. And if someone is talking down to me, or trying to diminish my desires or dreams, I turn into survival mode. I feel trapped by their idea of me. And, I complain. I get bitter. I shut down.
Complaining makes me feel like I’m gaining back a little control that the thing I’m complaining about seemed to take away.
But, there really isn’t anyone or thing that gives us permission, just the illusion.
So when I complain and am having that out-of-body experience, I sit in the moment and ask myself "where am I seeking permission? why do I feel like I don’t have it?”
Instead of shaming myself for the act of complaining, I try to redirect my thoughts to use my complaints constructively.
There is something so human about complaining. It’s like personal red flags our body uses to communicate what isn’t in alignment anymore. We always think communication and language is to build bridges with others, but I really think it’s mostly to build that bridge with ourselves. Every time we speak we are communicating to a deep part within.
And I understand why people in the spiritual and self-help community say not to complain. Our words are magical and can put us into loops of our own destruction.
But, if we go into complaint mode with intention and awareness, I think it can be another ritual or tool to guide us deeper into our needs and desires.
Or maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to complain more. Who’s to say.
The moral of the story is there’s so much tension in the world. And it’s all just feedback for us to experiment with.
Subtle Activations
keep a three column list for the next few days and write down everything you complain about in one column. take note if you complain about the same person/topic
in the second column go through each complaint and ask yourself, “what boundary is this pressing on?” an example would be my boundary of seeking permission
in the third column, for each complaint, write what you are emotion you are avoiding by complaining. are you avoiding expressing your anger to someone? are you avoiding disappointment? grief?
ask yourself if there are any common themes to each complaint. do they all seem to be about your independence or about success etc? what do you need in that moment when you feel triggered?
do you feel worse or better after complaining? does it feel productive or does it make the frustration more intense?
find something that can move that energy. when we have the urge to complain, it is our body trying to expel an energy that it no longer wants, so move your body. kundalini yoga, dancing, somatic breathing, sprinting. whatever feels like it can release you from that energy’s grip.
Complaining isn’t conducive forever, obviously. I think our words and thoughts do affect our reality, so we do want to strive to achieve a state of peace with that tension. But, also fuck anything that makes us feel shame for having the urge to complain. Everything, even the not so fun parts of the human experience teaches us something. Complaining shouldn’t have to be a shameful thing. It should be a ritual for us to expose our self worth and understand our needed boundaries.
The trick is to have awareness in the moment. To see our complaints, sit with them, become friends with them even, and then take aligned action to releasing them. Complaints only become toxic when we go back to them again and again for comfort. Where that line is, I’m not sure. I assume it’s different for everyone.
Cheers to being a productively nagging bitch.