The Art of Owning up to Your Sh*t
Say hi to your shadow
Have you ever spoken aloud the aspects of self that you feel ashamed for?
Today I did something that I never thought I was capable of.
I had an open and honest conversation with someone that I thought I might never speak to again.
I had put a pause on the friendship several months ago because I was frankly burnt out and feeling like I had no boundaries.
It got to the point that I felt like their crutch and I didn’t know what to do besides distance myself, which I ended up having to do through a text. Truly not my favorite moment.
We didn’t speak for about 5 months and then when I got to SoCal, I decided to reach out to open up the conversation in person and speak the truth without the barrier of a phone.
It was so strange for me to set this kind of conversation up because in the past I’ve really struggled with confrontation. I either shut down and offer absolutely nothing to the conversation or I get too emotional and really can’t offer anything to the conversation aside from guttural sobs.
I had no idea what I was about to step into.
But, it was one of the most productive conversations I’ve ever had.
We just began by catching up, genuinely interested in what each other was doing. We asked about each of our families, spoke about where we were in life, what was new. It was easy.
And then he asked why I reached out.
So I simply explained how I didn’t think it was fair to our friendship to leave without getting to discuss things in person.
I explained why I had needed space, where my headspace was at, what I need moving forward.
He spoke about how he wants to show up differently, what the space has shown him about himself.
The greatest part of the conversation was neither of us was trying to be right.
We both acknowledged that we have always held good intentions for each other. And we both acknowledge the ways in which we weren’t showing up how we wanted to.
I struggle with feeling like I need to be of service in order to maintain a friendship and he struggles with feeling like he needs a crutch in order to feel loved.
And we became friends as very different people to who we are now.
We just aren’t the same, so our friendship shouldn’t be either.
Honestly, I left completely shocked at how easily I spoke up about what had bothered me and how I’ve struggled to open up because of my trauma.
I left with a sigh, another weight had been let go and now we can move forward and focus on building a more intentional relationship, rooted in mutual respect rather than playing out our trauma bond.
And I’m not saying we’re all peachy keen and will be besties for life now. But, I firmly believe that we can all be intentional with our relationships, even when that might mean releasing some.
Breaking up with your friend
How many friendships do you keep because you have so much history? How many friendships do you have where you don’t speak up about what bothers you out of fear you’ll lose them?
It’s so fucking weird ending a friendship as an adult.
Even when the “ending” isn’t permanent. It just might mean taking space for a few months and then reconnecting.
Or if it does mean a permanent ending, why is it so hard to do it properly? I feel like I have a much easier time breaking up with a romantic partner than I do a friend.
Honestly, I’ve had friendships end with me just blocking them and never having a conversation. Not my finest moments I know.
I just had such a hard time being completely transparent about how the dynamic wasn’t healthy for me anymore.
And I think that’s partly because I didn’t want to own up to my shit.
When we end a romantic partnership, usually it’s pretty obvious the cause. They cheated or you don’t have sex anymore or they don’t like your friends or you want to be a free little bird and experience as many dicks as possible (sorry to my high school ex).
Friendship, not so much.
If you end a friendship, they may have done something to you, OR maybe you’re both just not your best selves when you’re together. And seeing that, is a hard pill to swallow.
I had one friendship that was so codependent that we started becoming jealous when other people talked to us. They have a complex where every month they would tell me that I was leading them on and I was just craving someone that fully saw me.
I felt more like their mom than their friend. They came to me for advice on EVERYTHING and then made me feel like I was stupid.
And I always went to them to prove that I was fantastic.
They showed me how much I discounted myself to “fit” in others’ lives, and I hopefully taught them something, I don’t know.
And I realized I had to end the friendship when I found myself complaining about them to my other friends. I had to ask myself if this was actually a good relationship or if I just wanted someone to be mad at because I was so bored with my own life and where I was at?
You always hear how our partner is the greatest mirror, but I think our friendships are the purest.
I learn more about myself from what I’m too afraid to confront my friends about than anything else in life.
Because I’ve gotten to the point that when someone really hurts me, the first thing I ask myself is, “would this bother me if I was really showing up for myself?”
And sometimes, I really do not like the answer.
A Word on Shadow
Shadow. Your dark side. Your “I hope people don’t find out about this,” side. We all have it. We all experience things about ourselves that we reject and shut down in order to feel accepted from the rest of society.
If you’re looking to open yourself up to loving ALL of yourself, your friendships are a great way to find shadows.
Here is a little tangent on what shadow is, from my paid subscription (sign up to get monthly podcasts).
Shadow is the main reason I put a pause on the friendship I spoke about today. I had begun seeing all of these aspects of myself that I was hiding behind this friend. I thought if I focused all my energy on what they were going through, I didn’t have to worry about the things I wasn’t ready to accept.
And I think we are so afraid of being the one in the wrong that we either avoid expressing the things that upset us or we lash out and cut them off from having a dialogue about what is going on.
Again. Not perfect over here. Just something I’ve noticed over my many failed attempts at healthy confrontation.
Subtle Activation
Make a list of friends that you see the most or hold space for the most. Next to each name, write the emotion you feel after you experience them. Do you feel drained or energized?
Is there an aspect that you are hiding about yourself to keep the peace?
Is there an aspect of them that you wish would change? Can you see how that aspect shows up in you?
Keep a list called “Trigger.” For the next three days, write anything that triggered you. It can be a person, a phrase, an experience. Can you boil that trigger down to an aspect? Prideful? Arrogance? Deceitful?
Choose one trigger and imagine yourself embodying that aspect. What would happen? How would others perceive you? What actions would you take that would mean you hold that aspect? For example, maybe bragging about something you achieve would make you arrogant.
Take note of any memory you have of a similar experience. Maybe your guardians shamed someone for this aspect. Or someone made fun of you for holding that aspect. Normally we project the OPPOSITE of what we were shamed for.
When sitting in the memory, ask your soul what they desired to express through that aspect. What your soul craved. Offer them the space to express it now.
A lot of the time, when we are struggling to accept something in someone else, we are really just hoping to accept it in ourselves.
This doesn’t mean you should let people be crappy towards you, but I like to believe that we are all just trying our best. And when we focus inwards and learn to love all aspects of ourselves, it opens up space for others to do the same.
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