The Curse of Balance
And the child-parent dynamic of the Universe
As much as I love spirituality and expanding my views, testing what is possible, you might be surprised to learn that I hate the word manifestation. It feels entitled and a little privileged if I’m being honest.
One thing I’ve struggled with has been this idea that if I receive, others lose out; that there is a balance to energy that must be maintained.
With all perceived good, there comes perceived bad. And in that, we find this balance. This creates a weird dynamic for people looking to grow and manifest.
Through balance, we tell ourselves that we must do a ritual, change an aspect, be different, in order to receive and if we do not receive what we want in the way we desire, then we must be doing something wrong.
Balance distorts our idea of what is possible by showing us that there is a being, a higher force outside of us that is rewarding those that are following the system and punishing those who are not.
Call it manifestation, praying, ritual, spell work, everything comes down to a performance that is rewarded by this higher power. We put ourselves into a child-parent dynamic, waiting for this being to tell us we were being a good little child of the universe.
So when we focus our energy on manifestation, we hold all of these beliefs that end up limiting our potential experience in life.
Something I had desired since I was 5 years old, was to go to Australia. The opportunity came, but not without pain.
When I first went over there, my mother came with me. It was our first time out of the country and we got to explore Cairns and the Great Barrier Reef together.
When she left and I settled into college, I quickly realized that I wanted to stay much longer than originally planned. I was only meant to go for a semester, but something about it felt like home. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to experience as much of the place as I could.
So I began the transfer process and explaining to my parents how their 18 year old wasn’t going to be coming home.
The week I submitted my transfer documents was the week I found out my mother was diagnosed with cancer.
By the time we discovered how serious the cancer was, my transfer had been accepted, and I had to decide if I was going to defer from college and leave or stay and finish out school.
What was my childhood dream became one of the darkest times of my life.
My mother is 6 years in remission, but I still look back on that part of my life regretting I didn’t move back to be with my family.
That experience combined with my attachment to balance, has created a struggle with this belief that for every good thing I receive, something equally as tragic must occur.
It made it difficult to enjoy my desires with tragedy constantly lurking in its shadow.
During my time at college there, I was a resident assistant. A few weeks after I started there, a woman got out of the cab with a luggage and doe eyes like she had just landed on Earth. I went out to greet her and she told me she was looking for her daughter, an exchange student from the US.
As I was looking up her daughter’s room, she started telling me about how her husband died and she wanted to come here in person to break the news, how she wanted to be with her daughter. After that, she started talking about how nice everyone was here and how beautiful the land was. She wanted to go to Sydney with her daughter to see the Opera House and she was so excited for the chance to explore. She said all of this with a graciousness that I would not have been able to hold if I was in her shoes.
I can’t even remember what I said to the woman, but as she left for her daughter, she took my hand and told me that she was so thankful that our paths were meant to cross that day.
I was stunned.
How was it possible for someone with such tragic news to also hold so much joy and gratitude?
It wasn’t until many years later that I’ve realized I was doing the same.
A lot of people told me how strong I was. How it seemed no matter how shitty it got for me, I could still hold space for others, find joy in the present, and hold hope for what could be.
I didn’t really believe them. Sounded like bullshit because I felt like I was drowning.
But then I thought back to that woman. Maybe she was drowning too. I thought about how much laughter was in my life even though things were so devastating. I thought about the photographs I took of the nature, how I could still get out of bed and walk in the rainforest or the birds I would feed on my balcony.
I was feeling joy, grief, fear, love, anger, inspired. Something tragically devastating happened during a time that was also tragically beautiful in my life.
And none of it was wrong; no matter how wrong it felt.
That’s my issue with manifestation and balance and this idea that the Universe, God, is rewarding me.
We try to quantify emotions and boil them down to a singular sensation. We try to focus on our desires, thinking if we expand and “pass tests,” the Universe will always pull through and if it doesn’t, that means we are not expanded enough.
Maybe instead, life is a sensation cocktail. And some of those sensations, we get to decide.
I’m not saying don’t manifest, don’t have hope, don’t have desires. What I’m trying to say is that you aren’t doing anything wrong if you experience tragedy or don’t manifest that desire.
I’m saying shitty experiences can happen at any moment and it is your choice how to receive them. I don’t want to view it as balance.
I don’t think a good thing must come with a bad, or that there are opposite emotions, or that you must get tested in order to receive a manifestation.
It’s all life. It’s all experiences. It is all a decision of what you want to give meaning to. There is nothing else, but you and your current experience.
When we talk about manifestation it feels like we are removing the essential part; it’s less about receiving your desire and more about generating the sensation that the desire is tied to so that it really doesn’t matter if that desire shows up or not.
If you want a lot of money, for example, what is the sensation that having a lot of money would bring?
For me, it’s freedom. It’s also community. I love helping people expand their dreams and I love holding hope that all my dreams are possible.
Are those sensations exclusive to owning a lot of money? Or is money just a vehicle by which I believe I can receive those sensations?
So if those are the sensations I am looking for, what actions may I take to step into that sensation regardless if I have a lot of money?
You can ask yourself this regarding anything you desire. What does a partner represent? How can you give yourself those sensations now?
It takes away the feeling that we are incomplete without that thing. You have the capacity to add to your sensation cocktail at any moment, regardless of what is happening.
Obviously, sometimes it’s easier said than done.
There are still days where it feels like the floor is falling out underneath me and all I want to do is stay inside all day and cry. But, that’s still a choice. That sensation may come up, but it’s our choice if we wish to give space to it.
But my point is this: there is nothing but you and your experience. And none of it is wrong. Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t worry, you already are enough.
Subtle Activation
What is your relationship with the Universe (or whatever name you use for the higher power)? How would you describe your dynamic?
Do you believe life happens to you or for you? Why?
What comes up for you when something bad happens? Do you fear you’re being punished? Like you’re being taught a lesson?
What comes up if you don’t receive what you are manifesting? Do you feel you are missing something?
What sensation is tied to what you are trying to manifest?
What are some actions you could take to feel that sensation today?
I’m still a bit foggy from all the travel over the past two months so I apologize if this newsletter feels a bit unthreaded. I make it a point to try to knit multiple ideologies into one functional garment, but lately I feel like I’ve just been knitting random half pieces that I’m waiting to quilt together.
So thank you for being patient and joining me on this chaotic journey. I hope to finish writing about my travels soon.
In the meantime I’ll leave you with this:
I love the marinating.
I want to take my time on
An idea
A feeling
A way of being
I want to sift through the sand
Twirl this idea in my hands
Experience the angles
All the paths
The potential
Of that waiting period.
But it is not waiting.
Waiting feels dull.
It is the period of pure chaos. The confusion before the discovery. The electricity before the first kiss. The passion before the passion. Those in-between moments that intoxicate us.
Enjoy the marinating.
Enjoy the scheming
And the lingering
And the chaos
And the mulling
And twirling.
Don’t simply say
You are Waiting.
It is within those moments,
The moments before
The Moment
That you are truly living.More CITF
Books I recommend: https://bookshop.org/shop/talularose
Follow me on Twitter and Instagram for podcast updates. Listen to past episodes on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Get your Hell Loop merch https://www.tallyrose.net/shop
Book your Human Design Reading and Digital Activation Painting at https://www.tallyrose.net/book-online