To the Window to the Wall

Til my anxiety destroys it all

Here are a few questions I’ve been pondering this past week:

• What is the difference between running away and running toward

• Is it possible to succeed without a rival

• When are we meant to know when to let something go and move on

• Are limits a construct of the imagination

• Why do certain musical notes go together and who discovered that

Do you have catastrophic thinking?

Do you see good things coming at you and think “oh shit something equally bad or worse must happen to balance all this out?”

To that I say, F balance.

I’m not even going to go through the amount of times I’ve talked about how duality is pointless on this newsletter, but here is a podcast episode for anyone interested:

Catastrophic thinking can be tied to PTSD and can cause a distorted view of reality….so it’s not you, it’s your trauma.

And as someone who experienced trauma right after something really great and life-changing occurred, and as someone who actually wrote her Philosophy final on the topic of duality, it’s no surprise that catastrophic thinking has played out in this idea that extremes must occur to reach balance.

And I cannot find the paper, otherwise I would certainly be offering it up for you to ponder.

The ironic thing is, in my paper, I heavily argued for the necessity of balance. I expressed that every sensation must have a counterpart and that the only way to fully experience life is to offer ourselves up to experiences both sides of the same sensation.

You might call it duality.

You might call it a shadow side.

You might even call it good vs evil.

We must know wrong in order to consider what is right.

If 19 year old me read this now, she would be aghast at the choices and changes I’ve made in life. But, it’s the truth. I don’t want to believe in duality.

Can’t things stand on their own? Is life truly the opposite of death or is it just life? Is love the opposite of hate or are they just two different sensations that we get to experience?

What I mean is, I’m trying to retrain myself to view experiences as just that, experiences. I’m not on a string being pulled between light and dark as shit happens to me. Something good happening, does not immediately mean something must go wrong.

Now enter Deepak.