When to Let Go of An Identity
I’m asking because I don’t know
I’m asking because I don’t know
It’s not fear of failure that gets me, it’s usually a fear that I’ll get so far into something only to realize I’ve wasted my time. Or that I’ve attached myself for so long to an identity that I missed the signs that it was time to let go. Maybe that is failure? I don’t know.
I’ve told myself I wanted to be an artist for 10 years now. I’ve always loved drawing and experimenting with creation. I’ve been told countless times I’m “artsy” and “creative,” so it seemed like the perfect fit.
But, over the past two years, I’ve slowly become more and more frustrated with that identity, questioning if I was just self-sabotaging or if maybe I didn’t actually want to be an artist.
See, I have this pattern of taking on identities that people project onto me. Call it my 5/1 profile if you’re into Human Design, or my trauma response from dealing with volatile personalities growing up. I easily step into roles for others and seem to become the problem solver for those around me.
The Problem-Solver Problem
I’d get told I was good at math, and almost double majored in it. I was told I was great at fashion, so minored in it, even though the fashion industry is not something I enjoy. I would even take on traits that people projected onto me. I was told I was too shy, so would forfeit every time I won a spelling competition because there was no way I could handle going to the state championship. It took years for me to realize I actually love performing and talking to others. That the shyness wasn’t something I truly identified with.
Over and over I would take on other’s problems or ideas to become an identity that would help them with whatever they needed in that moment. Even in jobs, I quickly become the person that seems to have a hand in every role, blurring the lines of my job description as the needs of the company continue to pile up on my desk. I’ve done voice recording, photography, advertisements, product design, project management, CRM, coding, videography, web design, all within a job title that was just “marketing coordinator.”
And it’s my own fault for being a “fix-it” person. But, my point is over the past two years I’ve started to realize that the identity of an “artist,” was another projection that I had taken on instead of finding it myself.
I remember I was in middle school. That 8th grade year where all your teachers begin pressing you on what you want to be when you grow up; like you would have any clue by then. They tell you how important grades are and how you need to start identifying your focus so that you can be prepared for college. And I had absolutely no idea. My guidance counselor and teachers would remind me that it’s impossible to have as many interests as I had. That I had to choose between creativity or math and science. And I was dumbfounded. How is it possible that people have to choose between logic and creativity when those seemed like such inherent traits within all of us?
And then I had an art class.
I brought one of my art projects home and my mother loved it so much she kept it on the end table. And then my family members saw it. And then they wanted their own piece from me. And so it went.
I became known as the one who could draw. I even won this stupid award in 8th grade; “The Next Da Vinci” award. From then, it just kind of solidified that this is what I had to continue doing.
I went to school for marketing, because it seemed like the most useful degree to have, but I took some creative writing and design classes here and there to keep the motivation for the identity of “artist.”
I started working for companies, where I would begin in strategic roles and quickly shift into more creative. I was trained in strategic marketing and analytics, but every position I held, I would be manuevered into content creation and copywriting.
I would be asked by family members to paint this scene or draw this bird, coworkers started to pay me for pieces. And I continued to paint, always with the notion in the back of my mind that I would be an artist.
Being an Artist
The opportunity presented itself (pandemic), to step away from marketing and focus solely on art. It was finally the transition I needed. I dove deep into acrylic painting and explored digital. I found a way to add my poetry into my work and started a store for people to buy prints and clothing. I was ready to be an artist.
And I fucking hated it.
Don’t get me wrong. The ACT of creating; glorious. 10 our of 10. I love exploring concepts and uncovering insights along the way. I love taking an idea and creating it in reality and I know I want to own my own business.
But three things really hit me where my entire world crumbled:
I hate art galleries and the politics of the art industry
I hate STUFF, clutter, things in my space
I hate creating for other people
Art galleries feel like where art goes to die. It makes me sad being in them. I don’t like art shows, they just feel like a clusterfuck of overwhelming stimulus. I don't enjoy submitting to art magazines because I would never actually buy a magazine (because stuff.) I don’t like how inaccessible art is perceived to be; I believe EVERYONE is a creative being that can and should express that creativity. I don’t like having stuff around. The act of creating is beautiful, but then after, unless I sell a piece immediately, it just feels like garbage that needs to be thrown away. Which you should NEVER feel that way about your art. And lastly, creating for people gives me so much anxiety. It doesn’t feel like I’m actually creating from my heart, it just feels like I’m people pleasing with a skill I have.
Losing Identity
And I know that is just one of the many avenues that “artist” can take. So I’ve struggled with releasing this idea of being an artist. I’ve been told repeatedly for over 10 years that that is who I am; that’s what I’m good at. So it feels like I’m losing a loved one when I let this identity go.
Maybe I’m just being to harsh on the attachment of identity. And that’s really my point. Is there an identity you are so afraid of losing because losing it might mean you are nothing?
Who am I, if not an artist? What goal do I have to pursue?
For a long time I kept pushing through and continued holding myself to this idea because I had put so much time and energy into it, I didn’t want to regret it if this was just me being afraid to pursue my dreams.
But, when I started listing out the things I don’t like about being an artist, it was pretty hard to deny that this was an identity my ego latched onto.
This isn’t to say I’ll never create, because well, I’m creating right now as I type. But, I want to use this as a reminder that it is okay to keep some interests for yourself. You don’t need to prove you are that artist or chef or writer or music producer. If you enjoy it, do it.
Identity is limitless and I hope to keep shedding those identities that no longer serve me, with grace and understanding that I may always choose to pick them up again.
To Support My Work
Listen to “Do you Need an Identity?” episode of Cracks in the Foundation
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Books I recommend: https://bookshop.org/shop/talularose