When You Don’t Trust Your Decisions
Do you ask everyone and their mother before making a choice or are you secure?
Do you ask everyone and their mother before making a choice or are you secure?
I have an addiction. Well, had. Depends on the day.
I wouldn’t be able to make a decision without asking EVERYONE’s opinion. It got to a point that I would avoid going out because I was afraid of having to choose the restaurant. My hair, my outfits, my love life, where I lived. I had to get input constantly. If I didn’t I would be caught up in anxiety for the rest of the day with a pit in my stomach thinking about if I had made the wrong choice. Which, is even worse when you’re a creative for a living. Don’t even get me started on my art process.
I think the addiction began because of my art actually. I felt insecure because I wasn’t classically trained so I would ask friends and family for input when working on a piece. This obviously brought out a LOT of differing opinions because art is subjective. It would make me more confused and ultimately made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own opinion.
And then it snowballed.
I started believing that my opinion was wrong somehow. That my decisions were not the right ones until I made sure to weed out all options, scenarios and opinions.
As someone who considers themselves a pretty confident person, I hated this version of myself. I would instinctively ask an opinion and immediately feel guilty because I knew I should trust myself. And then I would feel even more guilty because I felt like I had to follow through with the opinion offered to me. I mean, I did ask for it, didn’t I?
The final straw was when I was considering chopping my hair off. I basically did market research in my community, with one side adamant that short hair would not suit me and was not “feminine,” while the other side knew I would look bad ass and told me to follow through with it.
I got so overwhelmed and left it up to a coin toss. Literally.
The short hair won the toss and I went to chop off my hair into a pixie cut. And when I was sitting in the chair, I was so giddy. I was so excited to explore this hairstyle and when I got it done I almost cried of joy. And I sat in my car for 10 minutes afterward asking myself over and over, “why was I so worried to make that choice for myself?”
I would have been fine either way. My hair would have gotten longer and I would have been content. The world isn’t going to end depending on what you do with your hair. But, before that moment, it FELT like the world would have ended depending on my decision. After that, I knew I had to drastically change and start trusting myself again.
If you’ve been in my situation and felt like you couldn’t make a decision without finding as many opinions as possible, chances are you grew up in an environment where you were taught your thoughts weren’t valid.
You might have had all your decisions made for you because you “couldn’t be trusted.” You might have been told you were too naive to have an opinion. Or too young, or a girl, or that you didn’t have a degree in that topic so you don’t get a say.
Your household might have been unstable; unsure of what emotion you would receive based on what you said or did. You were taught that your decisions had a direct impact on your loved ones’ emotional state, and developed this conditioning that your decisions can lead to perceived pain.
So you became overly cautious of your own autonomy. You would actively give it up in order to keep the peace or to make sure that no one was hurt by your actions. You would slowly walk into your decisions, quickly changing them if it seemed like it would upset those you loved. Your decisions had to be affirmed in order to be valid. It didn’t matter if it was authentic to you or not as long as you were loved.
When I figured this out. I cried. A lot.
I mean, who was I? What did I actually enjoy or not enjoy? How many of my choices would have been different had I not been actively seeking validation for my existence?
It’s hard to hear that your choices may not be yours. That you may not have had a secure relationship with your autonomy up until now.
But, that version of you is still beautiful, whole and valid. That version helped you feel safe. That version of you brought you to this point and now it’s time to shift into the version that is confident in her decisions and sense of self.
If you feel like you’re ready to explore your autonomy and shift into more aligned decision-making, I wrote out some journal prompts to set the foundation.
How often do you ask for others’ opinions? Make note of the type of decisions you ask for opinions over. Smaller decisions like an outfit or larger life decisions?
How do you feel after you ask for an opinion? Clear and light or guilty and anxious? Do you feel like you have to do what they tell you?
How would it make you feel if you made a decision without any outside opinion?
Imagine yourself deciding what food to order at a restaurant you’ve never been to. Write down every sensation that comes up.
Now imagine yourself deciding to move to a new state next month. Write down every sensation that comes up.
Was there a time when you made a decision you were really proud of? Describe your process leading up to the decision. Who did you turn to if anyone? How did you trust yourself to make the decision?
Was there a time when you made a decision you were shamed for? Describe your process leading up to and after the decision. Did someone make you feel guilty for not following their opinion? Did they make you feel like your opinion was wrong or invalid?
What do you believe you’re lacking in order to make the best decision for you? Experience? Confidence? It can be anything.
To grow your relationship with your autonomy, it’s important to see that No Decision is Wrong.
Everything is a choice; your choice.
So start small. What is one area of your life that you feel like you can trust your decisions? Why do you feel like you can trust yourself in this area? What does it feel like knowing you can make those choices?
Keep a log for a week.
Build awareness with how often you ask for an opinion. No judgements, just awareness. When do you feel the urge to? Does something trigger that urge? What happens after you ask?
The following week write down one opinion a day. No wishy-washy vague ass opinions either. I know how scary that can feel. To be decisive. To not let others sway you. But, I encourage you to do it. No one will see it unless you feel called to share. It’s okay to hold an opinion. It’s okay to not agree with everyone around you. You are still whole and valid.
Use these prompts to get started taking back your autonomy. Your voice is valuable and it is powerful. The only person qualified to make decisions for your life is you, so start seeing yourself as the one in charge.
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