Will You Say You’re in Love?
The difference between love and in love
The difference between love and in love
I recently ended a relationship.
It began innocently. We wanted something casual, neither in a place to hold a relationship. We quickly realized how compatible we were and continued to enjoy the deeper connection taking place. It was adorable actually.
The adorableness of it faded and became something neither could avoid so we got to a point where we had to have a conversation of next steps.
Where was this heading? What did we want? How did we want it to look?
We cared about each other immensely. We had fun and enjoyed our time. I have no regrets in the experience and I know it was something that was meant to happen.
But, this is why it ended: they did not want a relationship unless it was their life partner, something I did not fit the bill for. They knew what they wanted in a future partner and there were aspects that I was not hitting in their perception of what a partner would be for them. They wanted to continue the connection but did not want to lead me on for the sake of it. And I did not want a relationship at the time, but I did want to experience the feeling of falling in love with someone.
The problem was that I wanted continual growth and they saw that growth as a path towards partnership, something that they did not think they wanted with me. They wanted something static and I sought an experience more dynamic. So we ended it, they, to maintain their independence and I, to maintain my worth.
When I said I wanted to fall in love, there was a disconnect. They assumed that falling in love inevitably leads to a relationship. And I can’t sit here and say that there isn’t a part of me that believes that, that my ego isn’t telling me that they will change their mind about me and we’ll live happily ever after. But there is another part, a deeper part, that just truly wants to feel love; that’s it. To experience someone and accept them and want the best for them, to support them and just truly care for them.
What I actually wanted, is what I believe we were both seeking, but there was something we were so conditioned to believe that comes with love that we were so quick to avoid it. When I had to look at what I was actually seeking, I had to get honest with myself what love was in relation to my experience. And it is something I’ve had a difficult time with since I was young; this idea of what is the line between relationship and non-relationship.
Is it sex? Is it some deeper connection I’m missing, even though I feel I have extremely deep connections with others? And when I ask others, they usually tell me that love and being in love is the difference.
But, is there actually a difference between love and being in love?
When this relationship ended, I realized that there is an ownership to what we view as love. In this ownership, we are allowed to feel safe in expressing love. It tells us that when we have someone in relation to us, we are now okay to say that we love them.
But, is it so absurd to love someone and not be in a relationship? Are those feelings that come with connection not feelings of love?
What I was truly seeking, was love without ownership.
And to seek a connection and not want to fall in love is still an act of ownership. It is an act of controlling and policing emotions into this static form to avoid growth and expansion. To have connection without growth is not truly connection, but just convenience. Which is something I think many of us are opting for today. We want to go on dating apps and experience the idea of connection without the vulnerability, so we create these definitions in our mind about the “talking stage,” “situationships,” “friends with benefits,” and so on. We have learned to believe that love means ownership so we push love away, keeping ownership, believing that is the solution when in reality the opposite is the true answer.
And when we finally decide we want a relationship or love, 99% of us actually just want to be chosen. But, we are so afraid of admitting such a thing. Instead, we hide it in this perfectly wrapped idea of a relationship and filter people through it to see who will make us feel the most chosen. We classify every relationship and police every emotion to make sure that we are not crossing those identifiers and not showing up too vulnerable.
And then we must ask, what is a relationship?
We all have an idea of one. We all know the aspects, the ideas of what will make a relationship for us. We have this small picture frame as we run around checking to see if those around us will fit in it. We are so concerned with the definition of a relationship that we refuse to explore anything outside of that. And that is because we are conditioned to believe that the identification and the logic behind what is, is the priority.
Step away from relationships for a minute and look at the classification model for the animal kingdom. It is this giant pyramid where things split off, continuously identifying further and further down until we are left with the single-celled organism. It was an amazing system and representation of our desire to put logic first.
Until the platypus was discovered.
The only mammal to lay eggs. It has a bill like a duck, is an aquatic animal with fur, and has so many characteristics that do not fit into any of the classification rules that were set. Scientists called the platypus an outlier, an anomaly, absurd. It was easier to say that the platypus was abnormal than it was to admit that our classification systems might not be a fully accurate representation of the lifeforms on Earth.
Which if you think about it, truly is absurd. The platypus exists with or without our systems. The platypus is a part of the natural order, it is a part of the ecosystem and is a completely naturally occurring animal. Yet, we are so wrapped up in our logic, our identification, that we refuse to acknowledge the beauty that is the platypus.
We do the same thing to relationships.
We have these rules and identification models for what is a relationship and what is not a relationship. Anything that goes outside of this is not normal.
And that, at its core, is the difference between love and in love.
When I say I want to fall in love with someone, that immediately enters the parameters of a relationship. Because we cannot be in love without that sense of ownership, without that definition.
When we have that ownership, it is easier to express love. It is finally safe to do so and I think that is why we crave that definition so much. To express love without that ownership is not in the normal identification model and would be considered an outlier, crazy, obsessive, etc.
When we are children, our parents “own” us, thus are able to express their love to us. The phrase “we have to love them, they’re family,” reminds us that love and possession are always linked. That’s where the toxicity of relationships enters. “I love you so you have to do this for me,” or be this way, or say these things. We create expectations not because we love them, but because we hold ownership over someone and think that is the only way to express our love.
And that is where the hurt comes from.
It does not come from love. Love is not complex, it is not a “game,” it is not something that is shrouded in mystery. It is very simple.
The hurt comes from our ego and conditioning linking the love to owning the other. Love does not come with a title. When we love someone, family, friend, romantic interest , we begin to create these expectations of who they are in relation to our love and then we break our own hearts when they do not meet them.
I’ve heard so many stories of people creating these scenarios, where they perceive the person is playing games, or won’t commit, or isn’t behaving the way they should be. I’ve done this myself. And it’s almost never from a place of love. It is always from a place of getting that person to bend to my will. Getting that person to show me that I’m the only one they want, that I’m the one they choose, that I make them a better person.
What could possibly be better for the ego than knowing the person you experience love for is forever changed by you? That you have a lasting effect on someone you’re romantic with.
Then it must be that Permanence is the second factor that differentiates love from being in love.
We want to last.
We want to dig our claws into someone’s soul and know that a part of us is never leaving them.
Even with the animal classifications, we want the rules to stick. We want to be able to classify all past and future animals based on the rules we’ve created. Because then it is permanent. Then a structure we created and put value into is static and will stand the test of time.
But emotions are dynamic. Relationships are dynamic. There is no permanence with emotions, with people, with experiences, no matter how much we urge them to be.
And to me, that’s the real difference between a romantic relationship; permanence and ownership. That’s what we are really seeking when we say we are in love.
So it’s no wonder my relationship didn’t grow when I expressed that I wanted to fall in love.
The person was so against ownership and permanence at that moment, even though they desired the same connection I did, that the only solution they could grasp was to shut down.
And I found myself in fear of feeling love in that moment. That if I felt love for this person then that meant I was too much and that they would end things. Because I couldn’t put a name to what I was actually hoping for. That I was trying to disconnect from the parameters that form relationships and just experience the emotions that may come with them. But that feels like unrequited love.
Unrequited love is terrifying,
and no amount of intellectualizing about ownership in relation to self will change that experience. But, it did make me realize how little it mattered if they experienced love for me in return.
Isn’t experiencing the feeling of love enough? Does the surge of love you have for someone mean nothing if they don’t reflect it back to you?
Because if they don’t reflect it back, then you are not chosen, you are not permanent and you do not own. And when we are taught that those aspects are everything to our worth, the idea of loving someone without expectation is overwhelming and heartbreaking.
A friend recently reminded me of the fleetingness of joy.
Joy is never permanent, so when you have the opportunity to experience it, even for a moment, it is always better to rush in than to be cautious and in fear of the hurt that may come after.
And I feel similarly with love. To experience it, even for a moment, even if it is not tied to ownership or permanence, is still worth moving towards.
Unrequited love is painful. But, I think love has so little to do with the other person and so much more to do with yourself. With opening up your heart to experience someone in all of their fullness. With wanting to accept and support someone wherever they are in life and in themselves. With feeling a sense of pure compassion and understanding that this person is having their own complete experience that I can never touch, but I get to witness and enjoy, even for a moment.
For me, that’s what I’m trying to discover being in love as; Seeing the beauty of someone’s soul shine so brightly that it reflects to you how much you truly love yourself. Every time I fall in love with someone, I’m falling deeper in love with myself.
And we’re taught that that is wrong. That love is not about our relationship to self. That love is about the other person choosing us. That we are only loved so long as we are chosen from an outside source.
But, to choose to love is to choose yourself. Every time.
When you live in a state of love rather than living for love, it feels different. The line between holding love and being in love seems to grow smaller. And you begin to experience others as mirrors, reflecting back to you your own sense of worth and love of self.
And this isn’t to say fuck relationships, who needs them. We need relationships more than ever. We need connection and community and love and romance. But this can be an opportunity to look at how deeply rooted in ownership we are, starting with our relationships. And allow ourselves to reassess what we believe the necessities for a relationship are, reassess how we want to show up with love.
And maybe we’ll discover a way to lean more into the feeling and celebration of love while unclenching ourselves from the continuous definitions we have latched on to.
To Support My Work
Follow me on Twitter and Instagram for podcast updates. Listen to past episodes on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Books I recommend: https://bookshop.org/shop/talularose