You Can't Fix the World
Especially not your family during the holidays
Codependency is a tricky thing. Even trickier when you start consistently deconstructing and rebuilding your belief systems.
I spoke with a friend recently who was telling me about her mother. She was telling me how hard it was to watch as her mother stayed in these loops of self-destructive behaviors, the victim mentality, the patterns of pain and suffering. She asked me “How can we consistently show up for others when we see our loved ones in pain and can’t do anything?”
And I feel like this is something we can all relate to. If you’ve gone to therapy, or tested the waters of the self-help industry, or dove into shadow work and psycho-spirituality, then you’ve been gripped by the ache that comes with becoming not just aware of yourself, but aware of all patterns that affect those around you.
When we start to become hyper-aware of our own patterns, we also start to become aware of all the loops that people are wrapped up in. If you want to work on your health for example, you start noticing your relationship with food, and then you are at holiday dinner and it slaps you in the face where you actually picked up this relationship you’re hoping to change. You hear your loved one talk about how they can’t eat past a certain hour, and need to lose all this weight, aren’t happy with themselves, blame you for not going on walks with them, tell you you inherited their thighs and no amount of dieting will change that. On and on, you get jostled around by their negative self-talk, that mirrors exactly where you were before starting your new relationship with self.
And what happens?
You ache. You want to shake your loved one and get them to see how much impact their negative self-talk has on their experience. You want to show them how comfortable it is to remain a victim and give them all the books you read and meditations you listened to. You hurt because if you call them out on their behavior, they just double-down. And you question if the work you’ve done on yourself is even worth it if you can’t affect change in someone you love.
There is a period of grief when we start to heal that I don’t think we talk about enough. I call it the Wounded Savior period.
This period of grief happens when the cracks get loud. When we have exhausted ourselves from finding all the patterns we are hoping to restructure. We get told that our relationships with others will change and that when we work on ourselves, then that work will echo into others.
But, during this period, we have to explore those patterns that caused us so much pain, in those around us. It’s a reflection period where we are building our trust with self-awareness and get to see first-hand why we wish to heal those patterns. I fully believe that everyone is a mirror, and during this time, we are subjected to seeing the patterns we no longer hold or wish to change, and the patterns we want to move into.
We love seeing the expanders, the people who show us who we can step into. But, expansion does not just occur in the light. We also must see the patterns of self that we are choosing to step away from. And unfortunately, that is reflected to us by those closest to us.
So this Wounded Savior period is when we think that by healing ourselves, it will affect others. Because for most of us, we were taught that we are loved when we are either achieving or fixing. So maybe our ego tells us that if we can fix ourselves, we can fix others and finally feel that unconditional love. Or maybe we heal ourselves and need everyone around us to meet us where we are to prove that our work was worth it.
But, you can’t do it. You can’t drag everyone in your life up to meet you on your journey. They can’t experience the healing you have. They have to find it on their own. To force someone, as great as we think it will be, to heal, is to force away their autonomy; they wouldn’t actually learn anything.
And the main reason you’re seeing all those toxic behaviors is to show you how much you’ve shifted and released. It is painful to see, but it’s also a beautiful mirror for how far you’ve gone on your own journey.
When we try to pull them up to meet our energy, we are doing the exact thing that they were when they were pulling us down to meet theirs. It’s a humbling experience. We think it’s for the best, but the energetics of that pull are the same. They are on their own journey. And all we can do is show up with love and offer guidance if and when they start seeking it for themselves.
It’s not all hopeless I promise.
I’ve been shifting my relationship with food these last two months and creating lasting patterns. I’ve always been extremely triggered in the kitchen and would just avoid eating because I associated it with pain. When I began this shift, I started noticing my loved ones’ relationship with food. It helped me identify why I felt certain patterns flare up and acted as a guide post as I began restructuring my relationship.
About a month and a half in, my father asked me to answer some questions. He asked me how I felt from these shifts and told me he could see the changes in this short time. Then he opened up about his own eating habits, his relationship with food and why he wanted to show up differently. It was such a vulnerable moment that I had honestly never expected. I thought that this shift was something I was dealing with alone.
But, when we show up differently for ourselves, everyone around us takes notice, and begin to gravitate to meet you where you are. And that’s enough.
Sometimes they’ll take steps toward a new relationship with self. Sometimes it will trigger them and they’ll go even deeper into their patterns. Your only job is to show up for yourself.
And trust me, I’m cringing just writing that. All I want is to heal the world. But, then I’m reminded of the beauty of our unique journeys. I can never step into someone else’s reality nor they mine. And that is the point.
Their journey is theirs. How they show up and experience their lessons in life is their choice. Just as it is yours.
Being aware enough to see those patterns in others is a testament to the shifts you’ve made. It is painful to see, but there is something so beautiful in becoming aware; in seeing these looping behaviors and knowing the lessons that those around you are experiencing. It offers you compassion. It offers empathy. It reminds you that every life is meant for something. Because if we all experienced the same lessons at the same time through the same journeys, well life wouldn’t be that fun at all.
This isn’t a devasting entry about how no one around you will change, but a reminder that the gift of awareness does not mean it is your responsibility to solve everyone’s lessons for them. Showing up with love, without expectation, and offering guidance if and when they are ready, can help us all move out of our savior complexes and into better relationships with our loved ones.
Journal Prompts
What is a pattern you’ve been shifting out of? How has that pattern shown up in a loved one? Focus on one person through these prompts.
When you see a loved one in a painful looping behavior, what thoughts come up for you? Do you feel responsible for fixing it? Do you feel resentment? Fear? Guilt?
Why do you want them to change this pattern? How would their life be better if they did?
Try to view this person as a mirror. What are they showing you about yourself? That you’ve moved out of a pattern? That you’re still showing up in one? How can you see yourself in their actions?
Imagine you’ve told them about these patterns, told them your journey, how they can heal themselves. And imagine they laugh at the thought. That they deny it and refuse to look deeper into themselves. How would you feel? Do you think your growth is lessened if they don’t recognize it? How would you feel if they stay the same as they are now for the rest of their life?
Write the phrase “I love them exactly where they are and wherever they are meant to go.”
Why do you think they need to change?
Can you show up for them as they are now?
How would it feel to release the expectation that they need to change anything about themselves?
We are worthy wherever we are. And that includes those that may be trapped in their own suffering. That included you when you were in those patterns of suffering. You were always worthy. There was nothing you had to do to reach that.
Reminding ourselves of that can release the burden of witnessing loved ones as they are. They may never reach a level of awareness that you have. They may never heal their relationships with self. And it is painful, but when you heal those relationships with yourself, I truly believe you are also healing a part of them. Because we are all mirrors. So if you witness the patterns that you are aching to heal for them, they too are witnessing the new patterns that you are experiencing. And just witnessing that healing you’ve created, moves them all that much closer to experiencing their own.
With Love,
Talula
P.S. I will be creating a graphic to help us create a healing team during the holidays, but if you’d like to look at that now, I wrote an article detailing what that is and how to build one.