In the Marble
Deep in the process of being human
I scratch at layered paint, See a gap in the sky as if to reveal a meaning hidden to natural eye I scratch further brush strokes erasing nails splitting heart racing the canvas bending to my unrelenting mis understanding that there is something I am not witnessing As if I too must split to force my own unveiling Is a meaning in the creation or must it be found as your rip further slashing your creations how far must you strip in the name of explanation before it is nothing but a hole in some linen and a fake ass salvation
What a struggle it is to keep your Self, all the while plunging deeper into a realm that asks you to shed your skin.
Over and over I weave through this cycle. Holding on and letting go. In an illusion that there is still a you that will never leave you. In an illusion that you are not losing yourself, instead, simply removing all that has built up until you are left with that essence, that child Self, that you must hold on to for dear life.
Shift, but not enough to lose her. Release, but desperately hold on.
In that sense, I guess losing my self, on my terms, is the only way I’ve allowed change.
I would rather stand at the edge of the ocean, allowing the waves to erode me until I am left as the pearl of who I truly am, than to be in the mouth of a riptide, swept along in someone else, until the bitter end.
Yet, in these cycles, as I try to clean a soul supposedly dirtied from all these years of living, I must ask myself why we believe that the Truth is in what is stripped away? We seek meaning under the paint, under the self, under the human-ness.
And it wasn’t until this year that I realized the lengths that I went to preserve this feigned identity, shielding her from those tides, of love, of connection, of change.
And as someone who prides themselves on their adaptability, it took 2023 to see how rigid I am when it comes to my own being.
Now it makes sense why I chose Flight as my theme for that year.
I no longer wanted to hide within the walls of my healing fortress. I wanted to live.
But, with flight, came a molting. Ironic.
I had to demolish the walls of that fortress.
It wasn’t removing to receive an “essence” or myself, but it was a release of what I felt I had to avoid in order to keep that Self. The attachments I had to painting, to what it meant to be an artist, to being independent, or creative, or whatever it was that I could so easily cling to to avoid participating in the mundaneness of the human experience.
It was my actions, my achievements, a product I could show the world and say “Here. This is who I am.” When I stripped away the outcome necessary for my existence, then, well. I wasn’t sure what else I had. And the cycle continues.
Is that why we are so quick to give our power to a god?
A religious deity, an institution, even a romantic interest — What is the feeling of a budding lover if not the holiness of salvation?
That is the loss of self I feared.
Be it a grandiose sense of self, but I’ve always felt connected to my own power. This idea that I have more say in how I perceive my life than most would give me credit for. All I have is my life. But, I grew up being told I was not natural for finding this power within myself instead of through a god, and yet I desperately wanted to protect that source that made me different. I shied away from any experience that might take that away. I knew the power I held, but only allowed it to flow through a thin opening; it wasn’t the power that caused my fortress, but a desperate attachment to control.
Instead, let me play god within my painting.
Let me build you a salvation within my canvas and bring you to your knees in the paintings of worlds you float to in your slumber.
It is with this fear, held to my chest, that I embarked on this theme, flight, completely naive to the fact that I would be swept up so quickly in the matters of the heart.
I was not expecting to release deep friendships that were holding each of us back, to learn the power of boundaries or to be humbled by what it meant to be open to life.
I could no longer hide behind my paintings.
For as often as I write about clarity showing itself after you make a choice, I so deeply crave meaning and insight before any action I take. Especially when it comes to dating.
This is the most I’ve dated, and truthfully, I’ve been kicking and screaming like a toddler the entire ride.
While I am no stranger to having a roster; a list of potential, the difference between my previous rosters and now…the people actually like me (lol).
It isn’t people I could booty call if I wanted to or a list of people I sext when I feel like satiating some urge without the commitment. No, these are all people that actively want to see me, know me, date me.
And it terrifies me.
The people of my past were easy in the sense that I knew there was no future. I could dip my toe in the kiddy pool of intimacy without that potential tide sweeping me away.
As I’ve opened myself up to life, I’ve had to reckon with allowing myself to be desired in a way that I’m not used to.
Oh how easy it was to convince myself that I was undateable. That I was the girl you found passion in, not a future.
Proving my worth, or lack thereof, is much safer for me. Action, achievement, data? It’s what I do best. It’s how I can control. But, letting someone show me their interest? Letting someone show up for me? Desire me?
It’s still something I’m getting used to.
It forces me out of that black and white fortress and pushes me deep into the marble.
To me, that’s what the stripping away to our “essence” is. We crave definitive and logical explanations and meanings, even with our self. So we must strip away to achieve a decisive Soul Pattern that we can turn to in life’s murky moments.
We constantly search beneath, rather than experience the whole.
All or nothing.
What this year has ultimately shown me is a an affirmation my friend and I have begun saying, “be in the marble.” And as people who gravitate towards the illusions of a black and white existence, it has allowed both of us to soften into our experiences and revel in what is being shown to us rather than lean into our penchant for analysis and for taking a bird’s eye view of our own lives.
While I am deeply uncomfortable with the uncertainty of so many things in my life, I find myself asking, what would it feel like just to live through this?
Putting the analysis on the back burner, I get to experience the fullness of life, with my “core essence,” and all the other selves I have gathered along the way.
Be in the Marble, I tell myself as I move into an uncharted experience, like someone from the 1800’s yelling Excelsior! (which honestly, I think should make a comeback). I mean, I ended 2023 by taking a two month break from painting, quite content with putting the brushes down for good. Lo and behold, January 1st rears its head and now I have over 10 ideas for artworks I want to do, and have started.
I’ve had the urge to write a short story book, start a new podcast, even change the name of this newsletter. I’ve also just let myself be in the dating scene and also am considering moving to a new state again.
Shit happens and life changes. And I have to remind myself consistently because I have a pattern of seeking answers. That is a pattern that gets me into a lot of new situations, and also limits me from trying things a second time.
We’re just dynamic beings. Look at us.
With all that being said, I’ve decided upon Power as my theme for 2024. A reclamation of what I have felt within myself and cultivating practices that allow that power to flow through me without an attachment on how it is meant to be shaped. With great power comes great responsibility and I am going to be responsible as fuck this year. Okay, be in the marble, let yourself be desired, and flirt with the universe a little. jeez.
Thank you for reading.
Subtle Activations for 2024
What does “Be in the Marble” feel like to you?
What is an experience where you had ‘all or nothing’ mentality?
What are you afraid to lose in your self? Have you noticed yourself trying to control when you feel you could lose that part of yourself?
What are you seeking clarity for right now? What step could you take without having any clarity?
What would make you feel good about showing up even without having an answer right now?
What is a word you wish to embody this year?
P.S. Substacks allows you to have sections now that you can subscribe to, so I’m going to be starting a few new sections…stay tuned.