Search Engines are God

And other messages from the Universe

It’s the last few days of January. Which means it’s the last few days of Power. Power has shown up in opportunities to express new boundaries, hold deeper self trust, and show up in new ways. And something I continue to go back to whenever I think of power is the black hole of clarity.

What comes first?

Have you ever found yourself saying “if I could just get some clarity on this, I’ll know what to do”? Does it bother the living fuck out of you when someone comes off so black and white in their decisions? Do you google everything from angel numbers to personality tests looking for answers? Are you afraid of choosing the “wrong” path?

When we aren’t sure of ourselves, when we don’t know, we seek out anyone or any system to show us a truth. Whether that truth is found in science, the occult, personality tests, religion, philosophy, they all seek to guide us, for better or worse, on a path.

When I was unemployed for the majority of the panorama, I experienced something I never expected: people were asking me for advice. A 25 year old woman, leaving LA, moving back in with her parents, unemployed, depressed, and having no idea what to do with her life, somehow people thought I had answers? That I could be holding some secret that would lead them to following their passion.

I was creating more; but, I was creating to survive, not out of joy. I chose to road trip the country for 4 months, to go find answers, not because I already had them.

We want answers. We’re told we need answers. The capitalist model is built around the idea that a product will provide us with a new version of self, a self with that very answer. We are taught we are not complete. We must buy into their products, their businesses, or whatever it is outside of ourselves that we believe will bring us to the top of that mountain we crave.

So when I was existing outside of that system, no matter how miserable I actually was, many took that as me knowing something they didn’t.

Some call it Truth. Some call it God. Some call it the Universe. To me, they’re all just a way to hold an answer.

I often wonder if we crave these answers because there is no experience outside of Self, yet we are on a path of trying to separate ourselves from the world.

Philosopher and existential being Martin Heidegger often wrote about the philosopher’s desire to separate themselves from the human condition to have an “outside perspective.” They tried to define being human as if they were looking outside while holding a microscope onto the human form; as if they themselves were nothingness, just pure reason. 

We see this separation often in education. We try to separate art and language from math and science as if one is “right-brained” and the other left. As if we are not using all of our being in every subject, connecting them all. There is not a subject out there that is not connected to the other, because just like the human experience, the systems in which we express that understanding of human consciousness, are all experienced in multitudes, and cannot be broken down to a singular subject line. 

We are taught that the doing and the observing are completely separate. But, we cannot separate ourselves from our experiences. We can’t separate our emotions, so why do we assume that logic and clarity must sit outside of ourselves? Why is clarity a separate, tangible being? Could logic just be another form of human cognition that we cannot remove ourselves from to receive that higher Truth?

That is why “clarity” is this overwhelming product that we are all always trying to cling to. The fact is, there is no clarity. You are clarity. That may sound cheesy, but clarity is an expression of the human experience. It does not sit outside of you. You have more power over clarity than you think. 

Observation is not passive, and clarity is not an end product. Clarity does not deliver us to action, but rather choice in our action breeds clarity.

So if clarity doesn’t come first, what does this have to go with Googling?

Stop Googling Angel Numbers

When I was at my lowest, I would watch Youtube videos of tarot card readings. This video came into my For You Page because the Universe was sending me a message? I was on my phone 24/7, but whenever the time was a triple number it was clearly a my angels talking to me? Animals popping up in my backyard were just my guides telling me what to do next? Sign me the fuck up.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE magic. I think we all need to live in a bit more magic.

But, is there really magic in me googling what 444 means for my sex life at 4:45 in the morning?

Part of this was my fear of deciding. The other part was me willingly giving away my power to someone on youtube pulling beautiful cards for me. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my experience and thought if I made the wrong choice, the Universe would punish me. The curse of balance.

When I was a wee 18 year old, I moved to Australia, something that I’ve wanted to do since I was five years old. It was a dream come true…until it wasn’t. I transferred to Griffith University there and the week I was accepted was the same week my mom. was diagnosed with two cancers. What was my dream quickly turned into a punishment from my decisions. That somehow, my choice to leave home brought on my mom’s cancer.

Since then, I’ve been battling this fear of balance; that for every amazing experience I had, something as equally horrible had to happen. I’ve also been trying to get back to that sheer confidence of the five year old girl, who had never been out of the country, let alone the west coast, yet would proudly tell any one who would listen that she would set foot in Australia one day.

I want to believe that any choice I make, is seeking me. If I want to get my Master’s, I want to trust myself so much that I don’t have to worry about if it will happen, if I’m making the right choice, or if I even know what I’m doing. I want to trust that it’s not an If, it’s a When.

So I stopped Googling.

For 30 days, I didn’t google a single tarot video, angel number, sign from le Universe. I did however, write anything down that made me want to look it up.

I still believe in signs, messages, and angels, but I think it’s important to ask yourself what they mean to you; not what some random article on the internet says about it.

Subtle Activation

• What is your relationship with the Universe (or whatever name you use for the higher power)? How would you describe your dynamic?

• Do you believe life happens to you or for you? Why?

• What comes up for you when something bad happens? Do you fear you’re being punished? Like you’re being taught a lesson?

• What comes up if you don’t receive what you are manifesting? Do you feel you are missing something?

• What sensation is tied to what you are trying to manifest?

• What are some actions you could take to feel that sensation today?

This episode talks about falling in love with your chaos, and not chasing clarity. Sitting with the storm can bring out some of the most beautiful experiences. Your power is in sitting with the chaos and still choosing yourself.

Next week

For February, the month of love, we will be talk to Jade Paris and a few other guests! Jade is a relationship coach that founded the Bedrock Method. I’m so excited about this episode and diving into all things relationships, so be sure to check back in next Sunday.

And for my paid subscribers, I have a surprise!!

You can preview my book, Being, below. I’ll be offering up a chapter each month. It’s part art, part poetry, and part journal prompts.