What do the Platypus and Love Have in Common?

Hint: it's about systems

I want to talk about the platypus.

Bear with me (pun unintentional).

We crave systems. We look at logic as if it sits outside of ourselves and we build these systems to show others how to experience the world. Science and art are very similar in that way; just trying to make sense of what it means to be alive. Let’s take the classification model for the animal kingdom. It is this giant pyramid where things split off, continuously identifying further and further down until we are left with the single-celled organism. It was an amazing system and representation of our desire to put logic first.

Until the platypus was discovered.

The only mammal to lay eggs. It has a bill like a duck, is an aquatic animal with fur, and has so many characteristics that do not fit into any of the classification rules that were set. Scientists called the platypus an outlier, an anomaly, absurd. It was easier to say that the platypus was abnormal than it was to admit that our classification systems might not be a fully accurate representation of the lifeforms on Earth.

Which if you think about it, truly is absurd. The platypus exists with or without our systems. The platypus is a part of the natural order, it is a part of the ecosystem and is a completely naturally occurring animal. Yet, we are so wrapped up in our logic, our identification, that we refuse to acknowledge the beauty that is the platypus.

This is how I feel about relationships.

We’ve developed this framework for how a relationship is meant to look, spoon-feeding logic into an experience that is notoriously logic-free. We put every potential relationship into this framework and cast it aside if it does not fit the set criteria instead of experiencing the relationship for what it is. Maybe you aren’t compatible, or maybe you’re a platypus.

I think that’s why so many people get so judge-y about polyamorous relationships; they don’t fit into that box. And if I have to live within that box, well, damn it, so you do you.

Transactional Love

There has become a disconnect between love and relationship; relationship feels transactional to me. We focus less on a bond and more on what the other can deliver for us. What they can provide.

If you enjoy philosophy, I recommend listening to this podcast regarding Erich Fromm, who reflects on that transactional relationship in modern dating.

Erich Fromm observed that modern love is based on the personality market. We try to improve ourselves, to make ourselves more of a “sell” for partnership. We look for specific qualities in others, things they do, because we are searching for a product, not love. Nietzsche holds similar views, showing relationships as acts of “ownership.”

The phrase “we have to love them, they’re family,” reminds us that love and possession are always linked. “I love you, so you have to do this for me,” or be this way, or say these things. We create expectations not because we love the person, but because we hold ownership over someone and think that is the only way to express our love.

I’ve heard so many stories of people creating these scenarios, where they perceive the person is playing games, or won’t commit, or isn’t behaving the way they should be. I’ve done this myself. And it’s almost never from a place of love. It is always from a place of getting that person to bend to my will. Getting that person to show me that I’m the only one they want, that I’m the one they choose, that I make them a better person. It’s as if being chosen is more satisfying than being in love.

And what could possibly be better for the ego than knowing the person you experience love for is forever changed by you? That you have a lasting effect on someone you’re romantic with.

Permanence and Ownership. When we really take a look at most relationships, that is the box we try to fit each partner into.

The History of Marriage

The idea of transactional love today makes sense. I mean, marriage was a tool used to create alliances between families; a fully utilitarian purpose. Royals would use marriage to form alliances between kingdoms and farmers would use marriage to cultivate (literally) wealth.

The idea of romantic love was not utilized in marriage and was even seen as something of a sickness. I mean, is Romeo and Juliet actually a beautiful love story, or is it a testament to the toxicity of romantic love? (Romeo is often seen as “love sick”).

Plato was one of the first notable philosophers to shit on the idea of love; he believed that nonsexual, non-romantic, “brotherly love,” was the most potent and powerful love that should be celebrated. That is why we often refer to friendships as “platonic.”

Marriage for love didn’t even really see the light of day until the industrial age, when people were no longer tied to their family farms, no longer surviving as a full-time job, and began moving to cities and generating their individual wealth.

Throughout the Enlightenment, we moved away from every decision being made for survival and began to really question what it means to be an individual with human rights and the “pursuit of happiness.” So around 150 years ago, the idea of “happily ever after” was used through writings and performances. People began to think about what that meant for them and how it could be tied to marriage; Hollywood took that happily ever after and fucking ran with it and now here we are.

Have I shit on love enough yet?

The Honeymoon Effect

“Mom, do you believe in soulmates?”

“No. You just pick one and hope they’re nice to you.”

I didn’t really ever live with the relationship fantasy as a child. I didn’t dream of a wedding or that someone would “complete” me or that I’d live happily ever after. I was always pretty skeptical of love, or what we view as love, and the relationships I got into were more about proving I was enough than actually creating a bond.

This isn’t to say I don’t believe in love. In fact, I truly root for it. I want everyone to experience it, myself included.

But, I think we all need to get extremely honest with ourselves about what we are actually looking for and if that something is just what society tells us we should want or if that something feels like fuel for you.

A great resource is Bruce Lipton, a developmental biologist known for writing The Honeymoon Effect. Something he discusses is the effect of love when we first encounter it.

When we are numbing ourselves and staying in a lower vibrational state, it takes something drastic for us to get out of that and grow. And for a lot of us that thing is a relationship. When we get into relationships, we see who we can become and who we want to be. We put our best self forward. And this is often seen as the “honeymoon phase.” That’s why after the 6 month mark, we tend to see a dip in satisfaction in the relationship, a build up of resentment and usually, when a couple decides to “settle” or break up. 

This is because we then go back to our old behaviors and the other person does not understand why or who we are when we revert back. Many of us see a relationship as a solution to our lives, a milestone that will make us better, make us happier. We use a relationship as a means of filling in gaps, instead of growing within ourselves; we think about finding the missing puzzle piece instead of creating our own. 

To desire a relationship is to desire to change something new into ourselves. We want it to become a part of our being. We subconsciously want them to become a part of us, not realizing that they are completely separate from us and may act as a catalyst to change, but are not a solution.

I think love has so little to do with the other person and so much more to do with yourself. With opening up your heart to experience someone in all of their fullness. With wanting to accept and support someone wherever they are in life and in themselves. With feeling a sense of pure compassion and understanding that this person is having their own complete experience that I can never touch, but I get to witness and enjoy, even for a moment.

For me, that’s what I’m trying to discover being in love as; Seeing the beauty of someone’s soul shine so brightly that it reflects to you how much you truly love yourself. Every time I fall in love with someone, I’m falling deeper in love with myself.

To choose to love is to choose yourself. Every time.

When you live in a state of love rather than living for love, it feels different. The line between holding love and being in love seems to grow smaller. And you begin to experience others as mirrors, reflecting back to you your own sense of worth and love of self.

Okay so our animal kingdom and our relationships are a fraud. How do we move into new experiences?

I think it comes down to “learning the rules to break the rules”. We know we have these ideas. We can put on any romantic movie and see what society deems as THE relationship. And I think our concept of relationship stems from this desire for sustained happiness, that permanence we look for.

Breaking that down allows us to identify what feels good to us about relationship. What types of intimacy is important to you? What is your sexual blueprint? (these will be spoken about on Part 2 of the Jade Paris episode, out on Wednesday).

Subtle Activation

Take inventory

Firstly, I find relationships that I am jealous of. Celebrity couples that make me angry, wishing for their life, or friends I secretly despise because I want their relationship. Jealousy is your best friend when uncovering aspects that you are seeking.

I also write down my non-negotiables. I write down traits in a relationship that are not up for compromise; my perfect person and what my idea of a perfect relationship was.

Next, I journal about all of my past relationships. I take notice of how often I fought with them, how long the relationship lasted, any pet peeves that occurred during the relationship, and my communication patterns. This helps pinpoint any triggers you may be holding onto, which I mention in my shadow article.

Check your ego

After taking inventory, I go through each point and ask myself if this is something that I have learned in childhood or by media and if this is a fear or judgement. This takes time to start identifying, but once I began meditating and keeping a journal with me, I was able to uncover memories that created loops in my subconscious.

I noticed patterns in my communication and ways in which I was projecting my fears and biases onto others. Our fears are shown to us through childhood and we tend to attach those fears onto others as a way to externally validate that we are not capable without someone. Our biases or judgements tend to surface when we are shaming an aspect of ourselves, but project onto others. For example, I had a strong sense of shame with the idea of being needy, so I project that onto others while coming off as overly independent.

Things that trigger us or seem to push are boundaries, are typically things we are just hiding in ourselves.

Put yourself first

I take all of the traits I’m looking for and write a mirror of what I bring to the table. Do I hold all of these traits already? Are there aspects I feel like I lack or could never have myself?

We aren’t looking for a puzzle piece, so make sure the traits you are looking for are not from that place.

Become a romantic hoe

Romanticize everything. That’s the quickest way to finding a love for you. I haaaaate the phrase, “you’ll find someone when you stop looking,” but *sigh* it’s true. If you spend your time filling up your own cup, you will meet people that do not “complete” you, but do feel like safe spaces to continuously show up as yourself.