I Am Nothing Without My Illusions

I woke up and said “I want to do a stream of consciousness podcast today,” and here we are. Twenty five minutes of me confessing my fears, inadequacies, and curiosities around illusions and meaning.

One such confession was about my inability to concentrate….as I escaped into the abyss of my phone for 30 minutes after writing that sentence.

I feel like once that billionaire submersible happened, all I could do was doom scroll, trying to reach the void, and my brain is not happy with me. Maybe you feel it too, maybe you are much better than I. Nonetheless I am here to tell you that it is not just you, we are all experiencing it.

I am also here to tell you…you can let go of the psychoanalysis.

It feels like doom scrolling and psychoanalysis comes from a similar energy; we are trying to reach something. Scrolling on Instagram is so addicting because there is never an end. We are just perpetually pulling the sheet off to discover another sheet, on and on. And that’s how we’ve been taught to approach ourselves too.

There is always a deeper depth.

There is always a meaning to uncover.

In my monthly obsession with Philosophize This, Stephen breaks down Susan Sontag’s critics of the psychology industry and uses art as a great example.

Art historians and critics view art as if the meaning is under the paint. If they could just cut through the paint and the experience itself, they will uncover the true meaning of the piece.

We treat ourselves the same way.

We don’t like sitting with the experience of things.

Which is so interesting as someone who paints, and has almost no idea why she does.

An art piece will dissolve into my mind, much like when that kid in Willy Wonka transported into the T.V.

^^whenever you see me painting, just know this is what I’m experiencing.

When I’m painting…I’m in it. Meaning doesn’t exist. There is nothing to “discover,” because I’m living within the experience of the painting. I can’t step out of it and I can’t even begin to try and logically conjure up a rhyme and reason for why it’s occurring. It just is.

When I’m out of the experience, sure, I can offer some insights and I offer readings for each piece. I’m in full belief that each painting is brought out of me to heal; whether that be heal a person or a place or the past.

But, my insights are based on what the painting offers me, my insights are not the reason for the creation. I did not “intend” anything. Instead, the painting came through and is now a channel to reflect back to me my own experience.

There is no universal meaning hidden between the strokes of paint.

It is a bridge to myself. It is a bridge to you.

By the way this a 3 part episode and I highly recommend sitting down with each.